Oh Human

(Written after a student impulsively committed suicide, in the midst of mourning what it means to be human and not have all the answers.  Grief is not all burden.  It also leads one into a deeper connection with this Universe in a human way.)

Oh Human how quickly you forget what it is to be the human when plodding along in a life that takes your attention away from the finer details that make it simple ~ you are finite within this life as a human.  That's ok.  Find your way.

Oh Human how dismissive you are in your day to day of others needs and wants as you scramble to satisfy your own needs and wants forgetting you too are a part of this human thing that has a beginning and ending.  That's ok.  Find your way.

Oh Human here you are directing your own choices without a concern for how many of those choices affect your life on down the road of this short time you have to live as you want immediate satisfaction and oft refuse to forgive.  That's ok.  Find your way.

Oh Human in such emotional pain that the heart feels physically reduced to cracks and fissures with no ability to mend them and a desire to simply but quickly end such desperate pain might you sit with those emotions letting them wash over you to pass. That's ok.  Find your way.

Oh Human, my human, that needs attentive care  but does not know how to ask and forgets to notice not only one's own but others who cross the path.  That's ok.  That's ok.  Slowly, intentionally ~ find your way.  

                                                                  ~ KateyB

Mortality

Another person I have known most of my human life passed away. It reminds me that I am here "right now" writing this as if talking out loud but, can easily be gone in the next breath. That makes this moment even more important in my heart and mind. "Right now" is the most important moment in my life. "Right Now" is the most important moment in your life. Why not sit in the "right now" not stressing over the past or worrying about a tomorrow that could never come but, rather,  appreciating this moment.

My mind turns to the thought that it is time given now to others that matters most. Time and undivided attention in the 'right now'. There are many reasons that I have often said: "The most precious gift you can give someone is the gift of your time and attention." Human beings need one another's genuine and undivided attention. It is a form of appreciation.  Who among us does not wish for and want to be appreciated for who we are ~ "right now" in the moment?!

I am reminded that the cruelest action toward another human especially by a loved one is ostracism. The unspoken desire to extinguish the loved one is simply a misguided thought to somehow extinguish one's self and the pain one refuses to deal with through forgiveness and yes ~ LOVE.

Human Life is ever so brief. We are mortals in the human body and the only immortality shall be the energy of our spirit whether that spirit was fed with LOVE and compassion and kindness or angry hateful pain the energy released shall be gone from the mortal life of the pompous human being who returns to dust.

I am reminded by the spirit deep within me: "Love yourself and spread that Love to Love People right now ~ right in your human tracks."

casting out thoughts

actually I never expected to be fully understood but I had hopes that someone, anyone, might understand even some small pieces


when I say I do not fit in, I am not seeking a validation from you that I somehow DO fit in ~ it is, for me, simply a statement of how I feel in general throughout this human life


the tears sit there at the back of my eyes having arisen from my throat swollen with the ache of the feelings of humanity


in admonition to myself: lest you forget the true purpose of your current placement on the blue-green planet, healing is the word of reminder but more so compassion and love are the tools, stop being so removed from the work of the universe


sometimes people come in rapid succession into the focus of my heart to remind me that this is a wispy human experience that lasts so briefly that sleeping too long or sitting to often might be wasting the gift of this time humans have to live to learn to heal


I frighten myself sometimes with the sudden consciousness of the pieces of the universe that bubble up from within


my heart bleeds white for you


the lack of attachment to outcome leaves me with the freedom to do the work of the living that has a universal purpose and the healing of not only the self but more so the healing of the suffering of those searching to realize their own gifts given before birth


no I am not special just oddly 'wakened to what is above the pretending that many call reality and I certainly do not remember choosing this for myself as if I had a choice to be this small little piece of such a huge overwhelming vastness ill defined by meager human minds


the creative energy that wells up and out of me sometimes requires expression or I begin to feel physically nauseous and anxious, painting is but one answer to that expression as is writing



no I am not like you so no I am not liked by every other human being ~ some say it is a curse, I say it is what must be and that is that:  it means I do not expect to be liked by everyone and still I am able to love even those who hate.  Not really so strange for star dust.


In one of my dreams last night I was listening to a person talk when they mentioned my age: 153 and I now gasp as to what does that mean.  Shhhh breathe even breaths.  You only have to live right now not all 153 years at once.


~ oh I have to go ~ I need to talk with a friend.......

IN the Path of Totality

First I want to state something:  For those who see nothing special about a total eclipse and say "ho hum", please do not poop on my parade.  I found it breath taking.  To me it was a big deal.  Go somewhere else to ho hum and leave my little high alone.  Thank you. I respect your choice to brush it aside and I appreciate your respecting my choice to have this emotional, romantic experience that the universe has gifted.  

From the venue (Serenity Valley Winery outisde of Fulton, MO. ) to the friendly people to the nature and beauty of the universe, I am humbled to have been able to be on the path of totality and experience the total solar eclipse with a rather intimate group (compared to what were evidently crowds elsewhere) of human beings that also gasped in awe at the universe's show of power.  Pretty darned cool!!  

I chose to arrive a couple of days early in order to be relaxed and to get familiar with the surroundings of the 60 acre winery.  It was my last summer trip for this year.  I am glad I chose the easy slower pace of the extra couple of  days.  

There are a lot of things I have done and experienced in my lifetime and this experience is right up there with the births of my beautiful loved children.  

When Bailey's beads appeared I sucked in my breath and almost forgot to breathe out until I let out a stunned 'wow'.  The diamond ring prior to that was distinct which signaled the soon to come totality.

Immediately upon hitting totality the glasses came off.  Two minutes and 36 seconds might at certain times seem so very long (like during hard labor, lol) but in this case it just seemed like it was not long enough.  I sat with head back looking up, hands open but for thumbs to pointy fingers on the arms of my chairs and I simply inhaled and exhaled slow while letting go of this ridiculous human world and soaring on the cosmic winds.  

Before the eclipse even started and right after I had set my stuff up I was quietly chatting with a man who had set up a telescope and camera when suddenly a gorgeous bald eagle floated by on a breeze.  I stopped mi sentnece and he looked up as well.  It just seemed like it was all perfectly orhcestrated to set the scene and the pace.  

I now sit back in my hotel room, having finished a spicey chicken ceasar salad, sipping a last glass of wine trying to decide if I should shower to wash off the eclipse dust and human sweat before napping.  HAH HAH!  Driving back here I listend to the album by the Moody Blues: Days of Future Passed.  To me perfect ending music to an amazing adventure.

There was something quite spiritual for me in this experience as there has been with only a very few other past experiences of which at the top are the births of my children.  I am humbled, blessed and reminded that LOVE is just ever so amazing all by itself.  

(The next several days I am going to be dowloading my photos from the SD card and carefully culling then saving the choices and  captioning them.) 

We Weren't Perfect...

...but we had and have, LOVE.

You don't get to choose your parents nor how they parented you.  You do get to choose whether you will be a parent or not and if you choose parenting you get to choose how to parent with all its imperfections and trials and errors.   We weren't perfect nor will you be.  We were a family with LOVE.

Holding your own parents to perfection leaves you sabotaged for how you parent and even for your life.  There is no perfection from any human.  None.  Best to grab hold of yourself and learn how to accept what is not changeable (the past) and BE what is right now.  

We damage important relationships by expecting perfection from others.  As the years go by it becomes harder and harder to let go of all those harbored disappointments in perfections and expectations that did not happen.  It only ends up setting one's self back and leaves one's self angry.

The anger signifies the hurt for not being perfect.  It signifies a wish to be perfect.  BUT it certainly does not allow living right here and now and trying harder to do what is right.

There are reasons why people are admonished not to judge others.   I go one step further (in a reminder to myself): "do not harshly judge one's self."  Rather meet the challenge head on to learn and improve.  Honor those who have been in your life regardless of their imperfections for without their input you would not be this far along on your very own journey of living. Tis the experiences of human lives. 

Making choices under stresses and difficult circumstances is not a perfect science.  In fact it is more likely to be flawed than not.  Rather than ignoring or denying the flaws, embracing them allows a person to move forward whole and to have relationships intact and build upon the whole.  That is living on the edge of a greatness (learning all about LOVE).  That is living a Life alive.  

In any family there are problems at any given time.  Perfection is saved for the ignorance of those who never truly live alive.  We weren't Perfect.   We aren't perfect now.

What we are is an imperfect human having a human experience which is to say we are living life.  No human escapes this.   BUT each human has the ability to make choices, learn when 'falling down' and embrace the self just as he/she is at the moment and try harder.  Along with accepting self with all the flaws and beauties we learn to love and we love beyond our own boundaries in spite of behaviors.  Behaviors can change with work.  LOVE is the unifier that allows relationships to build and to mend and to Be right now without judging pasts nor wishing futures.  

We weren't perfect.  We aren't perfect now.  We are LOVE and that LOVE builds bridges and allows us to learn and grow.  

We are humans having human experiences with the ability to embrace the LOVE in our hearts and let that LOVE heal us and all others in our life.  

What amazing things can happen when we embrace ourselves, accept our flaws and try harder to do the right thing with each passing day!  We do not have to be perfect ~ we only have to keep trying while loving no matter what.  

Capturing a few Moments

(I just wanted to write this this morning so I could read it later when time had passed and I might need reminding again of just how blessed I really am no matter what. Sometimes the silly importance I place on myself and my day cloud the humble place of humanity that I am a part of that deserves more mindfulness like a forgotten breathing that keeps any human alive.)


Yesterday I took my 87 year old Mother out of the nursing home for a drive and an ice cream cone.  I had picked up my 97 year old Uncle and took him along.  What a great time the 3 of us had as we licked the cold ice cream and drove around remembering times gone by in the places we saw now.  Things change and so do we but our hearts just keep growing.  Our hearts have more room than a 12 bedroom mansion and land enoug to expand on and on.

It was convenient for me.  I had the time.  I did not have to work (summer break) and the weather was perfect temperature wise as well as with sunshine.  I had all my stuff done up at home.  I had finished my last painting.  The book I had been reading needed a break from my strained eyes.  So yup ~ convenient for me.  Nothing on my list of 'to dos' needed to be done right then and there and could wait.  It is afterall a matter of choices.

(  Of course I have to ask myself now ~ is it not all a matter of what I CHOOSE priority wise?   Convenience is not always going to come together and yet the lives I spend time with are not infinite and will end.  IF I truly believe what I say ~ that life is about connecting, communicating and caring then convenience be dayumed ~ choices made must include connecting and caring and communicating in spite of any personal convenience.  I am NOT that separately important that others come last rather than even second.  )

My Mother, although by her own choices, has not driven in years and for that matter has not cooked in years.  She depends upon others to do those things for her and basically has since at least 2008.   Now that does not negate the fact that she has dementia which has progressed rapidly since her two broken hips and made it impossible for her to live alone and drive herself around.  It does not mean that she does not enjoy getting out either.  It simply means it takes a little more effort to get her out and about from time to time.

In fact when I put myself in her shoes I am sad for how reduced her living is for her.  Imagine not having more than a 300 sq foot space at most to live.  Imagine having people always looking in on you with no concern for you having any real privacy or solitude. That is not to say they do not care because indeed they do and she does get wonderful care from all the staff there.  Imagine not being able to go outside the building unless someone takes you out.  I think of all the things that would be taken away from me to no longer be able to do and it leaves me wishing I could do more for and with my Mother.  I am truly grateful for the Nursing Home Caregivers for without their genuine care and love my Mother would surely be much worse off.  I know I am not able to care for my Mother 24 hours per day, seven days a week, 365 days per year ~ year after year after year.    So I am grateful that my Mother gets such loving care from so many Caregivers.

When I do do things for and with my Mother she is tremendously appreciative which is amazing to me in this day and age when I look around and see so much lack of appreciation let alone so much lack of care and compassion and empathy for one another even in the small little gestures within everyday life.  I forget far too often to be grateful and to simply reach out in kindnes to others if only with a smile or a few kind words.  sighs

In my current circumstances I could focus on all the hard, painful things or I can focus on just how blessed I am to be able to learn more compassion and empathy from what is happening around me and to others.  Life is about learning to love even in the hardships and in fact even more so during any perceived hardships.  I am still learning.  Thank Gawd.

In my family I have always been considered the black sheep.  I did not fall into lock step of all that was expected of me doing everything someone else's way.  When I made poor choices those were thrown back in my face not once but over and over like an accumulation of old crayons kept and counted for all these years. Broken and worn and worthless yet pulled out and counted to remind the craayons how useless they were along side of all the pretty, perfect crayons.

  The good things I had done got lost and were not acknowledged nor are any of those acknowledged today.  Instead today there is all kinds of suspect and betrayals and negative things said about me much of which is not even true or is twisted to fit other's agendas of hate and anger minus love.  BUT I will be dayumed if that all paralyzes me and stops me from being who I know I am and that is a loving person who cares and empathizes and wants to do what I can for others albeit those things may not be much at all.  I will be dayumed if I am left believing that somehow I can not do anything right no matter how hard I try.  I am capable of leaarning and trying even harder and I do.  I know how to reinvent myself and I have many times successfully in the past so I know I can yet again.  I am a good person.  I am a loving person.  I can go on.


My Mother has done what she could in her own way for many others ....... she needs to be heard now and things done with and for her in these last years of her life.  The 'bad' things are unimportant in the grand scheme of human life and all the good that she did and does do even now.  She still caares about others and I see it when I walk with her from her room to the dining area and she stops to hold a perso's hand who is nonverbal but still needs human touch.  I love my Mother for who she is.  I am blessed to still be learning lessons from her about kindness and love.  She is a human being having a human experience and we call that Life and living Life.  We all get to do that and so does she.

Now my thoughts turn to my Uncle.  He still lives in his own house.  He has had two good women in his adult life to love and they both are now gone.  He has lost many friends to death and yet has made many more friends.  He is a store of memories and when the conversation flows he draws on memories and shares.  Interesting and for me educational.  I am blessed to be able to hear whatever he is willing to share.
He walks very gingerly now and most often needs a walker or at the least a cane.  BUT he walks several blocks every morning which brings him right past my house.  He walks with his walker and although quite slowly he does walk.  He has health issues of course but he does not dwell on those.  He has cancer that he has lived with for over 15 years.  When I think about him and put myself in his shoes I realize he is a very strong yet very kind man who complains little.  I think to myself IF he can walk each day ~ so can I.  If he can be cheerful and caring of others in spite of many of his own hardships so can I.  He inspires me to get the hell up in the morning and keep going ~ not grudgingly and with drudge but cheerfully and with a lightness in my crippled steps.

I actually have very little material things.  When my Mother dies I will be homeless again and my few belongings will be on the street.  BUT I will be rich in lessons learned and love in my heart.  I truly do believe LOVE Always Wins!   With Love forever in my heart and as my guide I know I can pick myself up yet again, reinvent myself yet again and go on to the next chapter of this human life.  For now ~ I will be grateful for the time and energy I do have to learn from my Uncle and my Mother.  I am grateful for this Life right now.


(I note a couple of weeks ago I was kind of wallowing in feeling sorry for myself and wishing my Grandpa were here to give me sound strong advice.  He heard me and he gave it through my Mother and my Uncle and I only had to open my ears and eyes to my heart to hear and learn. I miss my Grandpa but I know in those still alive he lives and so do they. )

sailing the seas of life (self examination)

In all of my life (when looking backwards at what has been) ~

what first comes back to me

is how much I failed

how bad I was there or there

how I lacked this or that in kindness

how I chose angry hurtful actions

over the understanding of self and others.

Some say you have to forgive yourself. 

 It just seems easier to forgive others and not forgive me.   I expected that I should have known yet somehow I did not.

I do not expect I know others well enough

that I can judge them in finality as 

wrong forever.

Any human being can 

improve and do better

if believed in!

Every bad choice I made was made (ignorantly perhaps at the time) out of concern for my self image that was ever so lacking only becuz I had not worked on my self in the area now poorly chosen.  It seems those bad choices then required I do further self examination.

 What does one do when they have examined and adjusted the sails of the ship but a little further on the voyage another ship comes by and yells with their bold beautiful white sails ~ "hey crappy, little dingy with the dirty sails you are going the wrong way!  May my wake punish you for a long time."  

(I have learned punishment does not exact correction but rather promotes angry hurt between both. Punishment does not solve or resolve. It does not build relationships and connections.)

 The initial reaction is to want to give up trying to be better.  BUT that only hurts this little dingy with the dirty sails.  So ~ this ship must go on.  This ship must remember that at the heart remains that LOVE that knows right from wrong and will guide in trimming sails and adjusting sails to sail on.  

I must keep trying for that is the process of living with the Heart of Love as the guide.

Time does not belong in a bottle

What is Life? How does one live that Life?


Simple enuff questions yet very hard to answer.



How many times have you been too busy ~ so busy you missed

out on the actual living. Living is only as much as you notice around

you and with those you Love.




I have always been amazed at how at the death of someone people

finally have 'time' to give. They had no 'time' when the person was alive

so how do they think that sharing Life now when the person is dead

is any gift of themselves. Perhaps giving after the Life becomes then

a penetance gift which of course robs even the giver of the spirit of

genuineness ~ of Love.



It is too late then.



Take time and give time today for tomorrow is but a whisper in the wind

and yesterday a fart now blown away.




The gift you give of your time or the gift you receive of another's time

are the gifts of living. And that my Friends is Life.

　

Expounding on It

My Grandpa was a man of small gifts that gave even long after he was gone.

His 'time' was never so busy that he could not sit down and share even for

a few moments with a child who often was left out. He understood that

even the homeliest, most mistake ridden child needed to feel Loved.

He understood that giving that gift of feeling Loved meant simply taking

'time' and giving 'time'.



After my Grandpa was long gone his words stayed with me ~

time is the most valuable gift one can give to another and is

truly the essence of living Life.



How 'time' is used may make all the difference

in not only my own process of living but surely the process of others.

When I have wrapped myself in my own living ~ given little to no time

becuz I was too busy ~ the quality of Life was cheated far beyond

any accomplishment. The honor of a grant bestowed may be unknown

until the funeral service at which a few will only then discover. Time

at that point long gone does little to benefit the Soul. So it truly is in

the process of living Life that 'time' is a gift given and received.




The value of living Life is giving and receiving time which then fills the process

of living with Love. (or does it)

Working it out ...

I am not working today.  I am supposed to be semi-retired and I need today to care for myself.   I start the day with some huge heartache that has been crippling me in several ways for over a year now.  So I write a letter that I shall never send as that is one exercise that hopefully at the least will allow me to move on today to do some other things I need and even want to do for myself today.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

A silent letter that will never be sent but I needed to write for myself to solidify my purpose yet again ~
" to be a loving person within this journey of learning about love."

Dearest ~

I LOVE YOU no matter what.


I do not need you to validate my feelings.   I already acknowledge them, examine them and then let them go keeping the lessons that they might have shown me.  In fact it has been a very very long hard road riddled with many mistakes. Yes indeedy even poor choices that then left me having to learn from those poor choices, overcome and apply the lessons to the rest of my life while keeping my eye on my purpose in this life!    I do not expect anyone else to do the work for me ~ in fact I know they cannot and me blaming any other would only leave me unable to learn and grow and to remain stuck.  Heck I even know about remaining stuck for several years at a time becuz ya see ~ I too do not get it right every dang time.   I have oft caused my own suffering by poor choices or holding onto hurts like they were some kind of badge of honor.  In the end I alone had to work through each of those and learn and find my way on over to the other side to move on.

When I have apologized for something I have done I make that apology from my heart and wholeheartedly.  I mean it.   I try harder to correct my behavior and not repeat the same thing over and over.    IF you refuse to accept that apology that is your choice.  Rest assured I have the choice to NOT keep giving the apology for the exact same thing everytime you decided to change your mind and reject the original apology.  You claim to accept the apology then we supposedly move on until you do not get your way and then you choose to revisit the old sin and demand an apology all over again for that old sin ~ that is unfair and tells me you have some personal problems to overcome.  Knowing that I can continue to love you but I do not have to put myself in line to repeatedly and cyclically experience your repeated temper tantrums.
To continually bring up the past each time things are not going well for you and throw it right back in my face trying to drag me down into your own mired muck is simply not going to work anymore.   I am sad that you cannot overcome your own 'stuff' and grow and move on. I would have been happy to actually WORK WITH YOU had you wanted that.   You did not and have not.

  BUT I am not in charge of fixing you.   Your wanting to make me somehow responsible for your current moods, problems et al only makes it very certain that you will not resolve those current problems or will repeat them yet again on down the road.   We all have to unravel and overcome what our problems are/how they came about, take responsibility for ourselves and work harder at making our lives better in the moment via learning and changing ourselves.  It is a lot of work.     I know because I have been doing that for 60 years.

Does it hurt that when you have decided your problems are all my fault you reject me and refuse to connect with me and now affect others involvement with me as well?   Of course it does.   It is heart wrenching.  It is a sense of helplessness that no matter how I myself have changed and shown a consistency in my own personal growth and tried to work with you I am told that nothing I do is good enough by you.  You leave us no way to work together to work through our mutual difficulties.  You simply dismiss and cut me off and then two, three even 5 years after nothing from you you come back and expect me to fully embrace you as if you are entitled and with no apology from you.  Forgive ~ yup I do.   LOVE always.  BUT I shall not forget and leave myself in the path of destruction and triggers from you.

I do not need an apology from you  ~ but I also will not leave myself open to be repeatedly hurt in the same way again and again from you either.  I can forgive the hurt you have inflicted.  I do not feel the need to be vindictive and 'get back at you'.   I love you through everything and it is that LOVE that sustains through it all.   No matter what!  If I cling to anything it is LOVE itself!  LOVE that is universal and is within as much as without.

I do not even need you to love me.  I have love no matter what.   I give love no matter what.  I remain human meaning I am having a human experience just as you are .......... I am capable becuz of the compassion and empathy I have, to walk a mile in your shoes enough to recognize that you too are having a human experience and at times you are struggling with your very own problems just as I struggle with my very own problems.  I empathize becuz I can relate that it is not easy and in fact is the hardest thing we do as humans ~ TO FACE OURSELVES and LOVE OURSELVES even in our flaws.  I do not expect you to fix my problems and I can not fix your problems.   All I can do is love you no matter what and wait patiently in love.

Loving does not make me weak or a target for more deliberate emotional hurt and pain inflicted  from you or any other of my loved ones.  In fact the more I learn about Love the more I know that love alone makes me stronger and stronger and with and through love I can continue to live my life trying to do the best with what I have at any given time with an eye to improving when I experience setbacks or mistakes or flaws.   That is living life with LOVE!


I sit in the distance with a part of my heart so terribly broken that sometimes especially at night when it is quiet and my heart is weeping ~ my mind tries to get me to give up.   BUT for LOVE residing in my heart and remaining as my guide I would give in to that childish ego and give up.  I will not.   I cry til my pillow is soaked ~ then sleep ~ then get up with a chosen smile on my face and an attitude of gratitude that I can do the best in this new day as I connect with others and with life yet again.


I love you.  I always will and I love you no matter what.  LOVE is above everything and everyone.  It really is THAT BIG a DEAL!!  It really is the solution. The process to seeing and feeling and embracing LOVE is ours to work out and work through and live!  I am working my process the best I can as well as trying to have compassion and empathy for my self and ALL others including you.

ALL I can do is the best I can at any given time with what I have.

LOVE ALWAYS WINS.   AMEN.

Indeed ~
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT!

Introspection

For what is a poem but a hazardous attempt at self-understanding: it is the deepest part of autobiography. 

- Robert Penn Warren 

In between the obliteration of the day

and the mists of the dawn she finds herself quieted

enough to examine within for not only what went wrong

but what can be with reconnecting the heart to the mind outlier.

She wanders around the solitudinal walls until the whisper of the soul

grabs hold of her ego bending it to the humbleness of the greater energy of the heart.

Not so much where once she walked but more where now she sits 

then how to reach out with a renewed determination 

to be better at understanding first the meager flawed self 

embracing it regardless and encouraging it forward,

then kindness and a humble compassion for all others encountered

ready for more lessons to be learned in the connecting that does not end.

Detach from the main 

to become what can be gained

when love is the energy

that drives this heart home.  

She was always nothing

which could have been something

had she recognized the nothing

holding it in love.  

Something is only nothing when

nothing is refused its due.

Nothing becomes the smallest

humble something

when nothing is held in love.

~ flow ~

She wandered in

to then sit for an hour

took deep breathes

stood up

wandered out.  

She was only better upon realizing

that it was in others she could see herself.

~ gasp ~

2017

"I have to climb through and over many obstacles

for those breath taking moments

of flying above the clouds." ~ KateyB

In the beginning of a new year

I like what Steinbeck wrote back on January 1, 1941 (and it even seems more fitting after having visited the places he lived and still haunts):


"Speaking of the happy new year, I wonder if any year ever had less chance of being happy. It’s as though the whole race were indulging in a kind of species introversion — as though we looked inward on our neuroses. And the thing we see isn’t very pretty… So we go into this happy new year, knowing that our species has learned nothing, can, as a race, learn nothing — that the experience of ten thousand years has made no impression on the instincts of the million years that preceded.

Not that I have lost any hope. All the goodness and the heroisms will rise up again, then be cut down again and rise up. It isn’t that the evil thing wins — it never will — but that it doesn’t die. I don’t know why we should expect it to. It seems fairly obvious that two sides of a mirror are required before one has a mirror, that two forces are necessary in man before he is man. I asked [the influential microbiologist] Paul de Kruif once if he would like to cure all disease and he said yes. Then I suggested that the man he loved and wanted to cure was a product of all his filth and disease and meanness, his hunger and cruelty. Cure those and you would have not man but an entirely new species you wouldn’t recognize and probably wouldn’t like." ~ Steinbeck




So I am left to make choices yet again as this new year begins just as every human must do.  I can choose to flavor my perspective with an attitude of gratitude. compassion and ultimately love yet I can also make choices within that framework to live as best I can with what I have in the midst of circumstances I really have no control over anyway.  The control is in my attitude and perspective and the choices I make in that framework.

I look around me and see much depressive anger and angst being expressed towards one another in an environment that currently is not encouraging building relationships via working things out but rather simply building walls around each lonely self.  If the outward environment were allowed to dictate my inner environment I would surely implode where many explode.   It is the nature of my process to implode rather than explode.

BUT long ago (now) ~ the years have passed so quickly I near missed how many are gone ~ I discovered and learned well that no set of circumstances and environments can touch my inner life where the core is love in spite of all the criticisms and hecklings and put downs thrown at that core by the environment including betrayers who wish not success but project the anger of their own mess.

I am not supposed to have gentle breezes to sail easily across the ocean of time.  I am supposed to hone my skills in navigating while maintaining the ship's heart.  Learn and apply and learn some more and while doing that do the best I can with what I have.  Overcome my shortcomings one by one and keep trying to care about others along the way as well.

As 2016 ended with so much turmoil around the globe and huge turmoil within the country I live I observed increasing anger and fears that left so many at odds with one another in a time when what was needed most was a building of stronger and even more caring relationships.  BUT I too have not given up HOPE ~ for when hope is totally lost and gone so shall I be gone in this human form.  Interestingly enough hopelessness also dies with its death ~ and life in the universe goes on in many forms.  Cyclical indeed.

I firmly believe that each human being is personally responsible of peace and increased love and I can only make it start/continue with me and my attitude ~ I choose gratitude.


Someone wrote:  What will the theme of your life be in 2017?
I think that is a good question to ask and answer rather than what resolutions will I make.

My theme will be gratitude for all lessons and love to help continue to build relationships.  In my world anger and angst in the environment is simply begging for me to gain more compassion and learn more ways to love.  My heart is alive in Love.

If I should die before I wake ...

~ everything is exactly as it is supposed to be ~

The moment I realized that the entire process called life which was inextricably tied to death with birth not being a beginning but rather a marker of so little in the greatness of much greater was the next level of freedom my soul dreamed of on its way to unified unconditional love.    Now why be bothered by so much fragile snags that are washed down river or cast up onto disappearing banks never to be seen again other than in the dregs of egos clinging to disrespectful delusions erroneously called hope. 

Live out on the edge of the process while floating above the under current of frothy foam.  Yet live with childlike wonder expecting the unexpected brilliance of abundance of love.  

            I am grateful for it all.                  Breathe stars.    Exhale ancient cosmic dust.  Creation is but energy changing born in the gentle shelter of love's recessed pool.

                                      We start not all over again but rather after each rest moving not forward or back but upward to the next star.   Love like the love that loves without restraints, without comparisons, with only increased love.        

Gratitude unlocks the heart releasing more mysteries to the connection of the universe that is Universal Love.    

nde

for in that moment

as the body fell away

the spirit rose up

joining in the universal love

as like rain on a warm summer day

the rays of love fell down

upon heads, flowers, ground

washed anew to begin again

leaving behind the grime

of past times

rising into holy mists

the wonders of hearts

where universal love

always and forever exists

within you

within me

connected beyond 

mere breathing

of flesh bound thoughts

torn back like flimsy curtains

to reveal the love

that has always been there

no matter what

mists now burned away

the brilliance of this

Universal Love

It was and is and will be forever

here to stay

peekz

from Jeremiah Johnson

"The way that you wander is the way that you choose,

The day that you tarry is the day that you lose.

Sunshine or thunder, a man will always wonder.

Where the fair wind blows.

An Indian says you search in vain for what you cannot find.

He says you’ll find a thousand ways for runnin’ down your time.

An Indian didn’t scream it, he said it in a song,

And he’s never been known to be wrong.

He’s never been known to be wrong."

and then .....

~ what comes from listening to my soul ~ 

My path is not yours

Your path not mine

All that we can do

Is have compassion

 for me and you

where we come from

where we go to

our paths barely crossed

perhaps even a time times two

accept what cannot be changed

worry not what comes later

be concerned for now 

which is really all we have

in the grand infinite soup

where the highest vibration

is the drumming of that one drum

Universal Love

Living in the realm of an attitude of gratitude (I)

(I write for myself.)

One of the main obstacles to being able to express gratitude is having an overly high opinion of self.   People who are ungrateful generally have a sense of excessive self-importance.  There is arrogance, vanity and a high need for approval and admiration that is oft manipulated out of others.  There is at the far end a lack of empathy.

No gift will bring grateful joy to anyone who thinks they have a right to everything.

Everything is in essence a gift that we have an opportunity to be grateful for IF we can RECOGNIZE that we have NO CLAIM TO ANYTHING!!  This is one of the most important ways to be able to stay in the realm of an attitude of gratitude.

In that attitude of gratitude it even allows me to give with no expectations as much as to receive with deep gratitude.

The Revolution Organic (revisited)

(Author Note:  Seems even more apropos for  today)

The believer and the non believer

The Christian and the atheist

so on and so on

The factions are equally fooled.  They all are responding to acquisitiveness ~ there is no freedom in such just an expansion of their current prisons of thinking which are conditioned.

The person who does not subscribe to any of the factions ~ who steps aside from conditionings and acquisitiveness finds the mind is very quiet and completely still and then can perceive what is truth and allow truth to act in its own way.

This is creativity.  There is no yes or no to life.  There is an understanding that life is a movement ~ an endless movement with no answers that movement continues.  

Understanding the whole process with all its sanctions and beliefs and then ceasing to be either positively or negatively acquisitive then knows the meaning of creativeness and steps out of the way of the creative as it acts on its own.

I may well establish a relationship with society but society has no relationship with me.   See society can not help me find out what is truth becuz its function is to limit me.  For me to understand this I must follow it down the line as in unraveling so much misappropriated yarn and then even unraveling the yarn itself.   

Truth brings about its own action and I can not act according to what I think is truth without then limiting myself.  

Sadly our culture is based on becoming somebody ~ the one who knows and the one who does not know, the one who has and the one who has not.  That limits, thusly imprisoning, and I am confounded in my perceptions of what is truth.  Unless, I am able to become very quiet and still in my mind.   The revolution organic.  Creativity as is, as it stands, unmitigated by human minds begat of cultures.  

"Truth is neither yours nor mine, and as long as the mind interprets or translates that truth, we create confusion."

"going it alone"

The closer I get to surgery date the harder it is for me to sleep.  I have to keep trying to quiet my ego that contains ever so much fear.  I turn to my heart and soul to guide yet my ego makes huge attempts to recapture my attention and scare the heck out of me.

Heart: Why be scared?!  We got this no matter what happens.

Ego:  Oh the pain you will be in and what if you react to the anesthesia!

Heart:  The physical pain will not last.  We have reacted to anesthesia before and here we are.           Besides the worst that can happen is release from the human body.  Like so what!  We are always ready for a change in the condition of the energy.


Ego:   You are going to be all alone with no one to help you when you get home let alone to hold your hand through the surgery.

Heart:  We were all alone for two complete hip replacements ~ the surgeries and the recoveries that took 6 weeks each.  We did it.  Where there is love there will be more love.  Hope and faith.


This goes round and round.  It is a blessing that I will be busy teaching today and tomorrow to occupy my time.  Then the weekend will be full caring for my Mother and her affairs, taking care of the usual basic chores for myself and finally preparing for the after surgery recovery with some cooking ahead of time, laundry and household work since I will not be able to lift for a week plus.

This too will bring lessons about love and make me even stronger as does every situation.  I see learning and growth capabilities and I am blessed with an attitude of gratitude.  Love is always here and all it does is grow more and more.

Ok I need to get on with my day and pack my book bag and my lunch.

Have a great day on purpose.  Pass smiles for miles.

With Love ~
KB

Hug the past or create the new

Do you want to 

hug the past

as it crumbles

into old used

dust?

Or will you look for solutions

that create new directions?

I choose looking for solutions with 

an attitude of LOVE

(the perception seen through love)

so that new directions

might continue to be created

to unfold.

It is a choice about my life!

(Regardless of my past.)

Couching it through the

eyes of love

ensures the creation

of more love

regardless of the

new directions.

Life is the adventure of

rediscovering LOVE.

High expectations for my self

"Any situation that pushes my buttons is a situation where I do not yet have the capacity to be unconditionally loving."

When first I fail, I find myself disappointed in myself.  It takes me a while to realize that it is at those points where my buttons have been pushed that I have some more learning about love to do.

It is difficult to take a few steps back and process everything to then figure out how to reground myself in gentler ways of living, not only giving others those second, third and fourth chances, but giving myself the same.  If I can give others that many chances then surely I can allow myself another chance to learn and grow.

I tend to have very high expectations of myself where with any other I simply believe in their authentic abilities right off.  Being supportive of others comes so much easier for me.  BUT over the years I have learned that I am worth that support too.

Without lessons to be learned about love I guess life would be over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My eyesight is so bad now that I am feeling enclosed/caged with walls of darkness closing in on me as a whole.  What is disconcerting to me is not only the time that I must wait before the surgery (it just seems so long off as my sight loses ground day by day) but the huge significant struggle to find anyone ~ anyone at all ~ who is willing to be not only my transport the day of the surgery but maybe allow me to squeeze their hand as my emotions well up right before going under.  Who would have imagined that no one had the time to take out for a day to help someone out?!

~ sighs ~

I am stressing out ....... and I wished it were not so.

return to GWOL

GWOL = Gentler Ways of Living

Perception is a choice!

Will I see LOVE

or

will I see fear?

Perception shift ~ RETURN TO LOVE!