Friday, February 10, 2017

Working it out ...

I am not working today.  I am supposed to be semi-retired and I need today to care for myself.   I start the day with some huge heartache that has been crippling me in several ways for over a year now.  So I write a letter that I shall never send as that is one exercise that hopefully at the least will allow me to move on today to do some other things I need and even want to do for myself today.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

A silent letter that will never be sent but I needed to write for myself to solidify my purpose yet again ~
" to be a loving person within this journey of learning about love."

Dearest ~

I LOVE YOU no matter what.

I do not need you to validate my feelings.   I already acknowledge them, examine them and then let them go keeping the lessons that they might have shown me.  In fact it has been a very very long hard road riddled with many mistakes. Yes indeedy even poor choices that then left me having to learn from those poor choices, overcome and apply the lessons to the rest of my life while keeping my eye on my purpose in this life!    I do not expect anyone else to do the work for me ~ in fact I know they cannot and me blaming any other would only leave me unable to learn and grow and to remain stuck.  Heck I even know about remaining stuck for several years at a time becuz ya see ~ I too do not get it right every dang time.   I have oft caused my own suffering by poor choices or holding onto hurts like they were some kind of badge of honor.  In the end I alone had to work through each of those and learn and find my way on over to the other side to move on.

When I have apologized for something I have done I make that apology from my heart and wholeheartedly.  I mean it.   I try harder to correct my behavior and not repeat the same thing over and over.    IF you refuse to accept that apology that is your choice.  Rest assured I have the choice to NOT keep giving the apology for the exact same thing everytime you decided to change your mind and reject the original apology.  You claim to accept the apology then we supposedly move on until you do not get your way and then you choose to revisit the old sin and demand an apology all over again for that old sin ~ that is unfair and tells me you have some personal problems to overcome.  Knowing that I can continue to love you but I do not have to put myself in line to repeatedly and cyclically experience your repeated temper tantrums.
To continually bring up the past each time things are not going well for you and throw it right back in my face trying to drag me down into your own mired muck is simply not going to work anymore.   I am sad that you cannot overcome your own 'stuff' and grow and move on. I would have been happy to actually WORK WITH YOU had you wanted that.   You did not and have not.

  BUT I am not in charge of fixing you.   Your wanting to make me somehow responsible for your current moods, problems et al only makes it very certain that you will not resolve those current problems or will repeat them yet again on down the road.   We all have to unravel and overcome what our problems are/how they came about, take responsibility for ourselves and work harder at making our lives better in the moment via learning and changing ourselves.  It is a lot of work.     I know because I have been doing that for 60 years.

Does it hurt that when you have decided your problems are all my fault you reject me and refuse to connect with me and now affect others involvement with me as well?   Of course it does.   It is heart wrenching.  It is a sense of helplessness that no matter how I myself have changed and shown a consistency in my own personal growth and tried to work with you I am told that nothing I do is good enough by you.  You leave us no way to work together to work through our mutual difficulties.  You simply dismiss and cut me off and then two, three even 5 years after nothing from you you come back and expect me to fully embrace you as if you are entitled and with no apology from you.  Forgive ~ yup I do.   LOVE always.  BUT I shall not forget and leave myself in the path of destruction and triggers from you.

I do not need an apology from you  ~ but I also will not leave myself open to be repeatedly hurt in the same way again and again from you either.  I can forgive the hurt you have inflicted.  I do not feel the need to be vindictive and 'get back at you'.   I love you through everything and it is that LOVE that sustains through it all.   No matter what!  If I cling to anything it is LOVE itself!  LOVE that is universal and is within as much as without.

I do not even need you to love me.  I have love no matter what.   I give love no matter what.  I remain human meaning I am having a human experience just as you are .......... I am capable becuz of the compassion and empathy I have, to walk a mile in your shoes enough to recognize that you too are having a human experience and at times you are struggling with your very own problems just as I struggle with my very own problems.  I empathize becuz I can relate that it is not easy and in fact is the hardest thing we do as humans ~ TO FACE OURSELVES and LOVE OURSELVES even in our flaws.  I do not expect you to fix my problems and I can not fix your problems.   All I can do is love you no matter what and wait patiently in love.

Loving does not make me weak or a target for more deliberate emotional hurt and pain inflicted  from you or any other of my loved ones.  In fact the more I learn about Love the more I know that love alone makes me stronger and stronger and with and through love I can continue to live my life trying to do the best with what I have at any given time with an eye to improving when I experience setbacks or mistakes or flaws.   That is living life with LOVE!

I sit in the distance with a part of my heart so terribly broken that sometimes especially at night when it is quiet and my heart is weeping ~ my mind tries to get me to give up.   BUT for LOVE residing in my heart and remaining as my guide I would give in to that childish ego and give up.  I will not.   I cry til my pillow is soaked ~ then sleep ~ then get up with a chosen smile on my face and an attitude of gratitude that I can do the best in this new day as I connect with others and with life yet again.

I love you.  I always will and I love you no matter what.  LOVE is above everything and everyone.  It really is THAT BIG a DEAL!!  It really is the solution. The process to seeing and feeling and embracing LOVE is ours to work out and work through and live!  I am working my process the best I can as well as trying to have compassion and empathy for my self and ALL others including you.

ALL I can do is the best I can at any given time with what I have.


Indeed ~

Friday, February 3, 2017


For what is a poem but a hazardous attempt at self-understanding: it is the deepest part of autobiography. 

- Robert Penn Warren 

In between the obliteration of the day
and the mists of the dawn she finds herself quieted
enough to examine within for not only what went wrong
but what can be with reconnecting the heart to the mind outlier.

She wanders around the solitudinal walls until the whisper of the soul
grabs hold of her ego bending it to the humbleness of the greater energy of the heart.

Not so much where once she walked but more where now she sits 
then how to reach out with a renewed determination 
to be better at understanding first the meager flawed self 
embracing it regardless and encouraging it forward,
then kindness and a humble compassion for all others encountered
ready for more lessons to be learned in the connecting that does not end.

Detach from the main 
to become what can be gained
when love is the energy
that drives this heart home.  

She was always nothing
which could have been something
had she recognized the nothing
holding it in love.  

Something is only nothing when
nothing is refused its due.
Nothing becomes the smallest
humble something
when nothing is held in love.

~ flow ~

She wandered in
to then sit for an hour
took deep breathes
stood up
wandered out.  

She was only better upon realizing
that it was in others she could see herself.

~ gasp ~