finding the first moment

once blissfully unaware

awakened

winding up that down staircase

which step was first 

which step shall be the last

if this moment comes from

that moment before

where did all the moments go

if here in this moment

it came from a moment before

then stuck on a circular stair

going nowhere

everywhere

perhaps that first moment

is simply the elusive thought

called hope

what if there is no first moment

can that be like no first energy

ever present

then the not so physical

is always there here

ah yes everywhere

well now

the magnanimous swirl

that is without time space

leaves aliens with no brains

simply minds of mindless moments

where compassion exists as if it were

the edges of the great love 

just waiting to be taken up by mere

thoughts blended in moments

with really no beginnings

no endings

it renders all aliens

desperate to conquer

what is not conquerable

when but a small piece

of the all

oh tsk tsk

might as well try to accentuate

the good qualities

try leaving behind the sufferings

arrive at those perfections

beyond the earth castles

beyond the moon reflections 

out into the grand 

ever beingness 

incomprehensible by closed minds

to the stars with your light

from whence you came light years ago

I think we shall never find that first moment

but certainly the expansion of light

was worth it.

byKateyB

solitary

(photo by KLB)

"We all, afterall, die alone.  No one dies with you at that last breath taken and the passing away from the flesh; we are alone until we emerge mixed in the universal love soup."    ~KateyB

There is a Buddhist saying: " Should a seeker not find a companion who is better or equal, let them resolutely pursue a solitary course."

I have found myself solitary more often than not in my life.  There were a very few times that scared me to be solitary.  Those were lessons to be learned now long gone certainly applied.  

I think of three separate times that my solitariness was imposed by other/s and in fact used to oppress and isolate me.  The length of each period is not what mattered but rather how I used the time to go within and do what needed to be done to rise out of and above such.  I have felt a certain pressing, even greater than at other times, recently, to write out those periods of forced solitude not so much to moan or export feelings but rather to leave a trail that just maybe might help a few who are having to experience similar trials.  Still I am not quite ready but when the ripeness is there I will follow through.  For now I shall realize how far I have come in my attitude of gratitude for having been in those spots and learned.

The embrace of being solitary has given me a bounty of individual time to examine more fully and contemplate what the human mind misses without the connection to the heart and then how wide open the universe becomes in my mere sight as the mind is connected to the heart.

One can talk about being alone as opposed to loneliness in conjunction with solitary existence in living on this journey of life but that does not even come close to an intimacy that the solitary course allows with the universe, we are all bits and pieces of such as we are called stardust.   

I admit more readily to being a poet rather than the painter I remain so private in doing.  Yet even admitting the poet role I blush with embarrassment at such a lofty title for such meager offerings I have thrown down.  My poetry at the least is the expression that comes from a heart that is less connected to flesh and more acknowledged as pieces of such a magnificent whole.  

solitary in solitude

Wrapped in the comfort of a cloudy day,

after the ferocious storm that lashed the earth pre dawn,

the old lady smiled gently at the thoughts of what lie beyond ~

the ever blue skies and then further out an illuminated face of a moon

followed by years and years of stars that resembled so many souls to yawn.

Solitary only in the limiting mind of the human being without the heart tethering

yet in solitary can the connections to everything be found that universal love surrounds.

There is such a beauty in the moments that might be neglected if tied to too many humans.

Rather count the precious souls that like stars are uncountable by human half-used minds

squandered by too much business forgetting to gratitude that unlocks

 the heart then connecting to the mind just briefly in forever time

that the soul might learn more from such a human experience;

this is the Way whichever roads chosen for the mountain top

that is the greatest peak of all some call

Universal Love.

by KateyB

an artist

“The Artist is no other than he who unlearns what he has learned, in order to know himself,”  E.E. Cummings

As with so many things in my life and ways of doing things in my life I seem to start with the perspective that I am not this or that, in fact I am less than this or that.  From that starting point I have to then painfully work my way up to being even equal to this or that.  Someone else might say: "why not start at equal to begin with? "  Well the bottom line is that starting from below and working up has made me strong but also has allowed me to learn empathy and compassion.

According to E.E. Cummings I am an artist.  According to me I am a wannabe that keeps trying but does not ever think she is above or superior and simply wants to be a little equal.

At Dawn

Silence was broken along with sleep by the magnificence of a summer thunderstorm.  Typically I would have been wide awake before the start but for the fact I am on summer vacation and stayed up quite late last night.  My eyelids flew open like a roller blind snapped too fast and let go.  Thunderstorms, lightning and crashing booms do not bother me in fact I love a good solid summer thunderstorm with down pours of which this was one of them.  At the same time my eyelids popped open I swung my feet from the bed to the floor and hit the ground scurrying to my enclosed back porch where every single tall window I had left wide open last night.  I got the last window closed just as the wind came up and the rain started pouring down and blowing 'round.

Summer in the midwest is special offering up the best for all senses.  The long rows of tall green corn waving in the breezes, the roadside wild flowers of purples, whites and yellows with a few oranges and pinks thrown in, the little billows of dust kicked up on a serene gravel country road and of course those magnificent thunderstorms that burst forth from unstable and often humid aire.  When I finally do move from here (and I will) these are a few of the things I shall miss; so for now I take pictures as I absorb the peacefulness of nature in the Midwest.

I remember long long ago summers spent on my Great Aunt and Great Uncle's farm.  Swinging on the tree swing in the afternoons and on the porch swing with my Great Uncle in the evenings watching the sun go down across the fields as the horses stood at the fence almost like they were waving at us.  The wrap around porch was a great setting for many imaginative plays and of course the railroad stories my Great Uncle told were the best.

I am humbled and grateful for so many experiences that have allowed me to appreciate the universe in all its glory.  We oft miss out on the grandness becuz we think what we do is far more important than drinking in the actual experiences and the nature that surrounds us.  Lately I have been reminded by nature itself that living is nothing without a humble appreciation for everything and all the lessons learned that then allow more experiences making this life a fully loaded experience.

Yes I will move and leave this beautiful scene called the midwest but realize that what comes up next will be made even grander for having the experiences here and now.  There is an appreciation that allows the perspective to be receptive toward anything that comes next becuz what has come now has been fully experienced with  humble gratefulness.

Have a great day on purpose Dear Friends.   Pass smiles for miles as will I.
LOVE no matter what!

living with the pain

I am having to follow the threads of a broken chord down to the quick where the rawness is the pain so that I can at the very least understand more of the total of my whole. Each thread carrying its own tale of woes and hurts but certainly the lessons as well.  So this write is but one thread of the chord that is broken and unraveling still.

When I divorced I resolved not to speak poorly of my ex (their Father) to my young children.  I never did.  It has cost me dearly in so many ways.  From the get go he certainly did not hesitate to share everything twisted with those young little children and he continues to this day although they are now grown adults with families of their own.  There is no sense in defending myself against all the erroneous info he feeds them.  There really is little that can be changed within their own attitudes.  Their attitudes they will have to choose to change.  Of course it is painful to watch as they struggle with such heavyly burdened attitudes.

I have had to make room for the pain and then try to live in spite of it.

It is with detached curiosity I examine all of the behaviors and destruction that an NPD with BPD can cause for so many people.  I say detached becuz I have finally come to the place that I do understand that it is nothing I can fix even if I totally erased myself fro this earth he would still be mentally sick and preying upon others including affected his own children and others of his own flesh and blood.  So the love I have is different today as it is no longer connected to anything in my life and simply is a forever love in my heart for my children and the father of my children.  All else I have detached so that I might move forward fulfilling y purpose in this life and doing the best that I can within this Journey at any given time.

Yes I follow this raveled chord down into the depths to that I might then gather strength to be better and to learn from all that is brought into my heart's sight.

Oh but the pain is excruciating and could easily turn me into stone if I gave into it totally and let it take over.  It is a good thing its darkness cannot ever extinguish the flame and light that is Love.  LOVE breaks up the darkness and then it is vanquished to hide under its own stone.  Every now and then when in this earthly world hurt is pressed upon from the outer creatures the darkness gets a little close but I will not shrink in fear rather invoke love to remind me just how far I have come in rising up above the nothingness of destruction and hate.  Maybe ~ but then again perhaps not ~ the story of my journey will help someone else.  Who knows!

This unraveled thread of the chord leads down the path of the most recent cowardly attack to a place where I can 'see' and understand how the cruelty developed with the person's mind as he struggles in a depressive state where he knows deep inside he alone is responsible for his own insecurities and missteps but is too frightened to face them and overcome them.  That then shows me where some of my pain lies for the empath that I am hurts for the hurt that he has but cannot handle.  Easier to blame out of anger and not sort it out.

Currently my grown children are back to refusing to talk with me and blaming me entirely for everything.  They are fearful and I understand that their father has caused yet again all kinds of doubts including self doubts.  They will have to come to the place of their own strength to rise up above it.  Tis painful to stand back and  watch unable to help them overcome.


I have been in a stuck place within myself where I refused to do the work to get out for a while.  It is harder then treading water for 8 hours and then trying to sleep while staying afloat in order to rest to tread water again.


IF either of them thinks that somehow they protect their children from the imaginary big bad wolf they are fooling themselves.  The child grows up and has to sort their own shiot out!  That is part of the circle of life that humans enjoy until there are no more humans and only spiritual vapors come together as the Universal Love.  As humans none of us are immune but every one of us has LOVE to give us light.


May we have a great day on purpose and pass smiles for miles.

LOVE no matter what.  LOVE really is the be all end all above all else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turning them into gold chords

From brokenness

the unraveling happens

yet golden chords

stronger than before

might be woven

if the hard work is done.

Says the gentle old lady:

"The hard work is worth

the golden chord

to wrap around loved ones' hearts

when I am gone.  Just as my Grandfather has done for me."

Passing Through

Nothing lasts 

Not time 

Not possessions

Not living creatures

Nor plants

But that is nothing to be sad about

or even to recoil from;

rather there are attitudes and things

that can be done.

The American Farmer turned poet 

wrote of the oppressor cuffing the oppressed

with words that left no room to think for one's self

simply a giving up or giving in

as was said the gist

the only way out is through.

There are many ways out of the currency of now

in the circumstances pressing 

and not one of the ways out

make a person chosen a path

to be wrong but rather

trading some circumstances 

for another set of circumstances.

What is non negotiable is 

passing through life

from birth to death

on this blue-green ball, earth.

Born to die some have said.

I can take that from the gloomy perspective

or feast upon the in between learning an appreciation

for EVERYTHING, yes everything!

Time is negotiable 

forced or allowed.

Possessions are given,

taken and forgotten.

Even living creatures are forgotten

or changed after death so not even

known as they were.  Living creatures

rarely are even known full on in life.

Plants examples of cooperation with the nature

of a larger universe of which they do understand

their part of the whole.

Only the human species thinks they can blame others
and circumstances for their life then refuse to
make the effort toward attitudinal changes and
actions that give living life the meaning that any process
gives to any ever-changing energy.   Given the most powerful
minds, of which humans do have, too often they do not use them.
Indeed every human lies from time to tie to avoid what could be
embraced then dealt with grace.

Animals understand that death is imminent so they grow up quickly
yet survive in any circumstances no human wills for themselves.  Yes puny
humans you think you are so far above yet there are lessons to be learned
so observe.

The moaning that comes from not getting what another has/had is being compared to
is wasted energy that if directed toward the best for self and the best for all others
would bring about a process that is certainly fulfilling ~ certainly allows for a flowing river
rather than an impeded rock that is chipped away by elements; water drips and water rushes
past, winds blow with rugged harshness or gentle breezes steadily wear, the aire carries bits
and pieces of materials that bombard or subtly land and the rock doing nothing
 but sitting still becomes something else perhaps against its will, who knows but the rock.
 Yet that very rock had a life span as well.

No one owes anyone else anything other than gratitude for lessons learned
when exposed.   The attitude of gratitude coupled with compassion unlocks the heart
where LOVE has always been and will even be when we are dead from human flesh.
For those who get that, and they are few but growing, they have discovered that the attitude
of gratitude is helpful in their passing through regardless of circumstances faced
at any given time, time the factor that is shorter than too many realize.

I am passing through and my spirit wants to learn from everything and everyone
it is exposed to and my responsibility is to do the best I can at any given times
while continuing to be focused on the energy of LOVE.  I do that best when I stay
in the attitude of gratitude.   It is gratefulness that I choose and then the process
of passing through at the least makes more sense as greater LOVE is shown from unlocked
hearts.

by KateyB

Good Bye

Just once every little while

I wish I could have been

in another time

another place

To be someone so different

That someone you wished I could be

I would be.

But it aint happening

Not now

I've been here too long

too imperfect

for the PERFECT 

you demand

perhaps indeed

you deserve.

So I say goodbye

Grieving

I turn around

and leave.

The End

~ New Chapter ~

FREE

Once Again

The pain of an old relationship's end

brought back to roost by a small flock

with bird diseases that clip their wings

The scapegoat

used to make the few

feel somehow better about themselves

turns out to be a bluebird

with a song that keeps

gurgling up from the chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not going to stop writing just becuz some people think everything I write is about them or that they can use my words and twist them to then harm me and my relationships with others.

I am a good person.

Many years ago I made a poor choice out of my co dependency

to marry an NPD with BPD.

I had children with that entity.

I have not been with that person for years and years

and my children are grown adults

yet in unpredictable cycles

the meanness comes back with a vengeance through

one or both grown children.

I am now starting yet another new blog. (This One)

I will not make links where those few 

can find and come back here to read

and then screw with me.

I have been poked and tormented

and survived.

I will not be a victim

nor do I need to then victimize

to some how feel good abut myself.

I feel good about myself becuz

 I have worked hard to be a better human being each passing day in this process of living.  

I do not deliberately and maliciously harm others

physically or even at their core hearts.

If it is brought to my attention that I did hurt someone's heart

I do sincerely and genuinely apologize and try harder to improve and not make the same mistake.

I own what I have done ~

the good, the bad, the ugly and the beauty

and even the in between shades.

I do not expect anyone else to fix me.

I do not have to own anyone else's mistakes nor do I have to fix it for them

no matter how much they try to make me

somehow responsible for everything they do

that is not so good,

I am NOT responsible for them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I am going to write from my heart again...

freely.  It is what I do so well and it is

the voice of my spirit that gets to be heard.

If you are reading this rest assured

I am writing again

and I will not be stopped.