Saturday, July 16, 2016

living with the pain

I am having to follow the threads of a broken chord down to the quick where the rawness is the pain so that I can at the very least understand more of the total of my whole. Each thread carrying its own tale of woes and hurts but certainly the lessons as well.  So this write is but one thread of the chord that is broken and unraveling still.

When I divorced I resolved not to speak poorly of my ex (their Father) to my young children.  I never did.  It has cost me dearly in so many ways.  From the get go he certainly did not hesitate to share everything twisted with those young little children and he continues to this day although they are now grown adults with families of their own.  There is no sense in defending myself against all the erroneous info he feeds them.  There really is little that can be changed within their own attitudes.  Their attitudes they will have to choose to change.  Of course it is painful to watch as they struggle with such heavyly burdened attitudes.

I have had to make room for the pain and then try to live in spite of it.

It is with detached curiosity I examine all of the behaviors and destruction that an NPD with BPD can cause for so many people.  I say detached becuz I have finally come to the place that I do understand that it is nothing I can fix even if I totally erased myself fro this earth he would still be mentally sick and preying upon others including affected his own children and others of his own flesh and blood.  So the love I have is different today as it is no longer connected to anything in my life and simply is a forever love in my heart for my children and the father of my children.  All else I have detached so that I might move forward fulfilling y purpose in this life and doing the best that I can within this Journey at any given time.

Yes I follow this raveled chord down into the depths to that I might then gather strength to be better and to learn from all that is brought into my heart's sight.

Oh but the pain is excruciating and could easily turn me into stone if I gave into it totally and let it take over.  It is a good thing its darkness cannot ever extinguish the flame and light that is Love.  LOVE breaks up the darkness and then it is vanquished to hide under its own stone.  Every now and then when in this earthly world hurt is pressed upon from the outer creatures the darkness gets a little close but I will not shrink in fear rather invoke love to remind me just how far I have come in rising up above the nothingness of destruction and hate.  Maybe ~ but then again perhaps not ~ the story of my journey will help someone else.  Who knows!

This unraveled thread of the chord leads down the path of the most recent cowardly attack to a place where I can 'see' and understand how the cruelty developed with the person's mind as he struggles in a depressive state where he knows deep inside he alone is responsible for his own insecurities and missteps but is too frightened to face them and overcome them.  That then shows me where some of my pain lies for the empath that I am hurts for the hurt that he has but cannot handle.  Easier to blame out of anger and not sort it out.

Currently my grown children are back to refusing to talk with me and blaming me entirely for everything.  They are fearful and I understand that their father has caused yet again all kinds of doubts including self doubts.  They will have to come to the place of their own strength to rise up above it.  Tis painful to stand back and  watch unable to help them overcome.

I have been in a stuck place within myself where I refused to do the work to get out for a while.  It is harder then treading water for 8 hours and then trying to sleep while staying afloat in order to rest to tread water again.

IF either of them thinks that somehow they protect their children from the imaginary big bad wolf they are fooling themselves.  The child grows up and has to sort their own shiot out!  That is part of the circle of life that humans enjoy until there are no more humans and only spiritual vapors come together as the Universal Love.  As humans none of us are immune but every one of us has LOVE to give us light.

May we have a great day on purpose and pass smiles for miles.

LOVE no matter what.  LOVE really is the be all end all above all else.


Turning them into gold chords

From brokenness
the unraveling happens
yet golden chords
stronger than before
might be woven
if the hard work is done.

Says the gentle old lady:
"The hard work is worth
the golden chord
to wrap around loved ones' hearts
when I am gone.  Just as my Grandfather has done for me."

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