If I should die before I wake ...

~ everything is exactly as it is supposed to be ~

The moment I realized that the entire process called life which was inextricably tied to death with birth not being a beginning but rather a marker of so little in the greatness of much greater was the next level of freedom my soul dreamed of on its way to unified unconditional love.    Now why be bothered by so much fragile snags that are washed down river or cast up onto disappearing banks never to be seen again other than in the dregs of egos clinging to disrespectful delusions erroneously called hope. 

Live out on the edge of the process while floating above the under current of frothy foam.  Yet live with childlike wonder expecting the unexpected brilliance of abundance of love.  

            I am grateful for it all.                  Breathe stars.    Exhale ancient cosmic dust.  Creation is but energy changing born in the gentle shelter of love's recessed pool.

                                      We start not all over again but rather after each rest moving not forward or back but upward to the next star.   Love like the love that loves without restraints, without comparisons, with only increased love.        

Gratitude unlocks the heart releasing more mysteries to the connection of the universe that is Universal Love.    

nde

for in that moment

as the body fell away

the spirit rose up

joining in the universal love

as like rain on a warm summer day

the rays of love fell down

upon heads, flowers, ground

washed anew to begin again

leaving behind the grime

of past times

rising into holy mists

the wonders of hearts

where universal love

always and forever exists

within you

within me

connected beyond 

mere breathing

of flesh bound thoughts

torn back like flimsy curtains

to reveal the love

that has always been there

no matter what

mists now burned away

the brilliance of this

Universal Love

It was and is and will be forever

here to stay

peekz

from Jeremiah Johnson

"The way that you wander is the way that you choose,

The day that you tarry is the day that you lose.

Sunshine or thunder, a man will always wonder.

Where the fair wind blows.

An Indian says you search in vain for what you cannot find.

He says you’ll find a thousand ways for runnin’ down your time.

An Indian didn’t scream it, he said it in a song,

And he’s never been known to be wrong.

He’s never been known to be wrong."

and then .....

~ what comes from listening to my soul ~ 

My path is not yours

Your path not mine

All that we can do

Is have compassion

 for me and you

where we come from

where we go to

our paths barely crossed

perhaps even a time times two

accept what cannot be changed

worry not what comes later

be concerned for now 

which is really all we have

in the grand infinite soup

where the highest vibration

is the drumming of that one drum

Universal Love

Living in the realm of an attitude of gratitude (I)

(I write for myself.)

One of the main obstacles to being able to express gratitude is having an overly high opinion of self.   People who are ungrateful generally have a sense of excessive self-importance.  There is arrogance, vanity and a high need for approval and admiration that is oft manipulated out of others.  There is at the far end a lack of empathy.

No gift will bring grateful joy to anyone who thinks they have a right to everything.

Everything is in essence a gift that we have an opportunity to be grateful for IF we can RECOGNIZE that we have NO CLAIM TO ANYTHING!!  This is one of the most important ways to be able to stay in the realm of an attitude of gratitude.

In that attitude of gratitude it even allows me to give with no expectations as much as to receive with deep gratitude.

The Revolution Organic (revisited)

(Author Note:  Seems even more apropos for  today)

The believer and the non believer

The Christian and the atheist

so on and so on

The factions are equally fooled.  They all are responding to acquisitiveness ~ there is no freedom in such just an expansion of their current prisons of thinking which are conditioned.

The person who does not subscribe to any of the factions ~ who steps aside from conditionings and acquisitiveness finds the mind is very quiet and completely still and then can perceive what is truth and allow truth to act in its own way.

This is creativity.  There is no yes or no to life.  There is an understanding that life is a movement ~ an endless movement with no answers that movement continues.  

Understanding the whole process with all its sanctions and beliefs and then ceasing to be either positively or negatively acquisitive then knows the meaning of creativeness and steps out of the way of the creative as it acts on its own.

I may well establish a relationship with society but society has no relationship with me.   See society can not help me find out what is truth becuz its function is to limit me.  For me to understand this I must follow it down the line as in unraveling so much misappropriated yarn and then even unraveling the yarn itself.   

Truth brings about its own action and I can not act according to what I think is truth without then limiting myself.  

Sadly our culture is based on becoming somebody ~ the one who knows and the one who does not know, the one who has and the one who has not.  That limits, thusly imprisoning, and I am confounded in my perceptions of what is truth.  Unless, I am able to become very quiet and still in my mind.   The revolution organic.  Creativity as is, as it stands, unmitigated by human minds begat of cultures.  

"Truth is neither yours nor mine, and as long as the mind interprets or translates that truth, we create confusion."

"going it alone"

The closer I get to surgery date the harder it is for me to sleep.  I have to keep trying to quiet my ego that contains ever so much fear.  I turn to my heart and soul to guide yet my ego makes huge attempts to recapture my attention and scare the heck out of me.

Heart: Why be scared?!  We got this no matter what happens.

Ego:  Oh the pain you will be in and what if you react to the anesthesia!

Heart:  The physical pain will not last.  We have reacted to anesthesia before and here we are.           Besides the worst that can happen is release from the human body.  Like so what!  We are always ready for a change in the condition of the energy.


Ego:   You are going to be all alone with no one to help you when you get home let alone to hold your hand through the surgery.

Heart:  We were all alone for two complete hip replacements ~ the surgeries and the recoveries that took 6 weeks each.  We did it.  Where there is love there will be more love.  Hope and faith.


This goes round and round.  It is a blessing that I will be busy teaching today and tomorrow to occupy my time.  Then the weekend will be full caring for my Mother and her affairs, taking care of the usual basic chores for myself and finally preparing for the after surgery recovery with some cooking ahead of time, laundry and household work since I will not be able to lift for a week plus.

This too will bring lessons about love and make me even stronger as does every situation.  I see learning and growth capabilities and I am blessed with an attitude of gratitude.  Love is always here and all it does is grow more and more.

Ok I need to get on with my day and pack my book bag and my lunch.

Have a great day on purpose.  Pass smiles for miles.

With Love ~
KB

Hug the past or create the new

Do you want to 

hug the past

as it crumbles

into old used

dust?

Or will you look for solutions

that create new directions?

I choose looking for solutions with 

an attitude of LOVE

(the perception seen through love)

so that new directions

might continue to be created

to unfold.

It is a choice about my life!

(Regardless of my past.)

Couching it through the

eyes of love

ensures the creation

of more love

regardless of the

new directions.

Life is the adventure of

rediscovering LOVE.

High expectations for my self

"Any situation that pushes my buttons is a situation where I do not yet have the capacity to be unconditionally loving."

When first I fail, I find myself disappointed in myself.  It takes me a while to realize that it is at those points where my buttons have been pushed that I have some more learning about love to do.

It is difficult to take a few steps back and process everything to then figure out how to reground myself in gentler ways of living, not only giving others those second, third and fourth chances, but giving myself the same.  If I can give others that many chances then surely I can allow myself another chance to learn and grow.

I tend to have very high expectations of myself where with any other I simply believe in their authentic abilities right off.  Being supportive of others comes so much easier for me.  BUT over the years I have learned that I am worth that support too.

Without lessons to be learned about love I guess life would be over.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My eyesight is so bad now that I am feeling enclosed/caged with walls of darkness closing in on me as a whole.  What is disconcerting to me is not only the time that I must wait before the surgery (it just seems so long off as my sight loses ground day by day) but the huge significant struggle to find anyone ~ anyone at all ~ who is willing to be not only my transport the day of the surgery but maybe allow me to squeeze their hand as my emotions well up right before going under.  Who would have imagined that no one had the time to take out for a day to help someone out?!

~ sighs ~

I am stressing out ....... and I wished it were not so.

return to GWOL

GWOL = Gentler Ways of Living

Perception is a choice!

Will I see LOVE

or

will I see fear?

Perception shift ~ RETURN TO LOVE!

Breathe and say: THANK YOU

(I write this out of my own passion for positive change.)

Contributing to the appearance of entitlement is the disregard by many people today for common manners as evidenced by this observation:

There is a lack of acknowledgement of gifts received including thank you notes.  Short of a thank you note a time consuming 2 minute phone call to thank someone might be better than silence.  Does the giver have expectations?  Yes and I see nothing wrong with the giver having at the very least an expectation of hearing that the taker received the gift.  When a giver thinks of the taker is it so much for the taker to then think briefly of the gifter?  This is not about giving anonymously.  This is about gifts for holidays, weddings, birthdays etc.


We wonder why people are perceiving others as somehow 'acting entitled' and in my humble opinion a major factor is the lack of basic manners in a day and age when mobile humans are not always living next door to one another so can not physically give of a gift and take as the receiver when a smile and a verbal thank you could be exchanged.


People are only busy with busyness when it suits them as an excuse for their behavior.   I do not know any human who is so dayumed busy that they can not take 2 brief seconds to say thank you.   Thank you is a kindness that costs you darned near nothing than a breath.
Other people will use the dismissive excuse:  "Well what do you expect when they are raised like that!?"   I say bullshiot!  Many people were NOT raised to take advantage of others or ignore others. Many people were taught about "thank yous" but have since let it all slide away due to lazy unwillingness to maintain connections even when they are personally benefiting.  They have chosen to act like that and for many reasons that are beyond how they were raised.


A 'Thank You' brings in an attitude of gratitude which then allows love to shine.  The giver already has shone with love and the taker now has an opportunity to do the same at no cost other than that breath before the words and the exhale after the words.

In the classroom I do not miss the opportunity to remind about thanking others with a smile.  What I observe is that in those classrooms where we do that, there is an overall difference in the atmosphere.

 I love all the young people I work with and their openness to change.   I believe in their hearts!


"A THANK YOU never killed anyone.  A Genuine THANK YOU benefits everyone!"  ~KateyB

PTSD ~ re traumatization (personal journey)

I have PTSD.   I have managed to have it under control for 10 years now until recently when I was re traumatized by several people.  I attempted to set strong personal boundaries and there was a lack of respect for those when I did by not one but 4 different people of which 3 were quite deliberate.  I have now spent the past 9 weeks regaining the ground lost by the re traumatization.

  I write here to help me measure not only my progress but remind me when things feel slippery again.  This is a place for me to keep the bits and pieces and that is what the following is is bits and pieces for me.

I struggle but I also think I am doing quite well under all the circumstances I have found myself in recently (over the past 11 months especially.)

I will survive and thrive!!  I am not going to be defeated and killed by this.

People who do not understand PTSD and yet are around someone who has it would be wise to arm themselves with facts and info so they can have a positive relationship with the person unless of course they do not really care about the relationship.

People who have recovered/learned to appropriately cope with the PTSD and symptoms are not so fragile that they can not sustain lasting and solid relationships.  They simply may be more assertive on their personal boundaries which may include finding ways to remove themselves to a distance to feel safe from time to time.  They know when they need to assert boundaries which include removal from volatile situations.  Forcing them to over ride those boundaries or over riding those boundaries for them deliberately is not only unfair but has the potential to re traumatize.  It is known as a toxic situation and a person with PTSD knows toxicity by others is something they need to remove themselves from quickly IF those people refuse to listen to the boundaries being set.




~~~~   ~~~~  ~~~~


Relationships, Trauma, and PTSD

Trauma survivors who have PTSD may have trouble with their close family relationships or friendships. Their symptoms can cause problems with trust, closeness, communication, and problem solving, which may affect the way the survivor acts with others. In turn, the way a loved one responds to him or her affects the trauma survivor. A circular pattern may develop that could harm relationships.





PTSD is diagnosed after a person experiences symptoms for at least one month following a traumatic event. However symptoms may not appear until several months or even years later. The disorder is characterized by three main types of symptoms:

Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, and nightmares.
Emotional numbness and avoidance of places, people, and activities that are reminders of the trauma.
Increased arousal such as difficulty sleeping and concentrating, feeling jumpy, and being easily irritated and angered.




Once you have been traumatized, and then re-traumatized by triggering situations, you feel generally unsafe and there is a natural tendency to want to retreat…back up your steps and run for cover.

People with PTSD can be re-traumatized by people who do not understand, and by people who are more concerned with their own agenda than really understanding.

When someone with PTSD has certain triggers, and explains those triggers to someone, it is important that they are validated and respected. If someone wants to care about a loved one with PTSD, they need to really listen to that person, when they talk about what triggers them.

*A person that intentionally uses your triggers against you is dangerous to your mental well being.

But then there are people who just don’t want to listen to or respect your boundaries. Your perceptions are not of an significance to them.

Everyone has personal boundaries, but people with post traumatic stress disorder can suffer severe re-traumatization when a loved one does not honor their trigger boundaries.

The fight-or-flight mode is activated by the amygdala. If the brain perceives a threat, even if that threat is not real, the amygdala will send chemicals into the body like adrenaline and cortisol.

 The feeling in the body of a “perceived threat” and a real threat is exactly the same. The same physiological responses occur, including blood pressure elevation, and feeling of extreme fear and the feeling that you have to act right away.




Once you have asked someone not to do certain things which trigger you, it is a terrible feeling when they still continue to do them. It feels very violating, and only serves to break the trust bond.

Relationships need to be based in trust. Intimate relationships, as well as friendships and family relationships have to feel safe. If one person does not feel safe, then there is a lack of understanding and a lack of trust.

Without both parties feeling safe, the relationship will break down. People with PTSD can find it difficult to trust again, after others have invalidated them about their symptoms.

Sometimes someone will disbelieve you, minimize your trauma, or accuse you of trying to manipulate them with your explanations about your trauma and your triggers. This is very painful and re-traumatizing.

People who have PTSD or C-PTSD from abuse were invalidated as part of the abuse process. Their emotions were minimized, disregarded and made fun of.

To have someone close to you minimize your PTSD, or disbelieve you is re-traumatizing. It gives  the victim into an emotional flashbacks or actual sensory flashbacks.

You can only tolerate being traumatized and re-traumatized so many times.



People with PTSD need understanding and validation.

They need their loved ones to be sensitive to their triggers, and to pay attention to what the person asks and needs.

Otherwise. the relationships cannot continue in a way that is safe for the PTSD sufferer. The person with PTSD will shut down and crawl inside of themselves. No healthy relationship can be sustained without safety for both people.

perceptions are made of what?

Perceptions are built out of experiences.  It is why the older we get the more complex, vivid and too often hardened perceptions can get.  Then throw in that we humans (yes indeedy me included) are biased when told a story from one perspective after the fact, for that does indeed affect how we relate to others.

No two people have the exact same experiences even if they have been together in a particular experience.  The cliche, there are 3 sides at the least to any given event ~ his side and the other side and then the middle, unbiased side comes out of a basic understanding that perceptions and perspectives are naturally tainted by the teller's experiences all inclusive ouver his/her life span
It would seem on the surface that perceptions are what taint the world viewed by more than one making it difficult to get to 'the bottom' of anything.

If perceptions are different for every single human according to their own 'lenses of experiences' then it would surely seem that repeating stories told by one or the other to a third person is not the truth in full.  It is good info to know that we might apply such to take more time to fully understand the person that 'we are talking about' or 'who we are talking to or with'. ( I am reminded about my lessons on gossip and refraining from such.)  The source of so much miscommunication and disconnection that is the human suffering within a human life.

I find a take away, after much meditation, that my perceptions can become easily distorted if I do not keep in mind what goes into making perceptions.  I am reminded that if I struggle with my own perceptions then causing me misfired communications that has to be the case also for others.  Armed with that I am able to increase empathy and compassion some more and that for me is more personal growth which in turn I hope to use to build better relationships.  It also allows me to forgive myself and try harder to assess my perceptions as they mix into the NOW/the current unfolding.

I am trying to do better than 'yesterday' by applying lessons learned.  That is the best I can do with what I have NOW.


Have a great day on purpose.  Pass smiles for miles.

(see poem here: 'my eyes only'   )

Character and Integrity ~ over seen by LOVE

"Character before integrity yet both go hand in hand.
Develop your character and understand it then apply integrity to live."
~KateyB

Someone I love is in the grips of several narcissists/sociopaths (persons).  It hurts to watch from the outside knowing full well there is nothing I can do to break those sick bonds and 'save' the person.

I have been in that situation and I know NOW that it takes the strength from down deep inside, where forever the soul and heart are one, to escape and then not succumb again to another narcissist or the same ones over and over again.

Sadly now when the person I love tries to unknowingly draw me into the drama of those narcissists I have to lay down extremely strong boundaries that then I am accused of not loving the person.  That could not be further from the truth ~ MY TRUTH!

I will lift them all up from a distance ~ I will be vigilant to not allow myself to be drawn back down into that huge black hole to lose my self ~ my character and integrity ~ again.  It certainly would be counter productive and render me unable to be a good friend to others!



"In the morning, as dawn spread up through the curled edges of the earth, I found myself fully awake again connected to my heart and soul, aware that my core was intact,  that in this day I could do what I say and say what I do and keep the two aligned from the source of LOVE inside that flows from every corner of the universe.  I go to my heart where LOVE always resides and I listen so very carefully, for Love truly is my guide be it tough or gentle its qualities have certainly been tensiled by fire to survive ~ it always will, for you see ~ LOVE always wins!"   ~KateyB



Have a great day on purpose.  Pass smiles for miles.

12 days later....20 days left

I have definitively lost my patience for alcoholics, narcissists and politicians.  None of those entities seem to understand moderation let alone consideration and kindness for others or even a general respect for the health, safety and welfare of self and all others.

Summers are supposed to be for fun, beaching, vacaying, leisurely coffees that last til noon and evening wines that include thoughtful conversations that have some depth and breadth.  I may have missed summer.  If I was willing to totally blame myself I would first decry introversion has overcome me again, but that is not all true.

I am working very hard to maintain an underlying gold thread of joy that is not dependent on surrounding circumstances.  The buoys of hope thrown out to me keep floating too far ahead for me to grab but I remind myself that an attitude of gratitude keeps me minimally tolerant and treading above some sort of whiner status.  After all, I do have food, clothing and a roof over my head as well as some very kind, loyal and caring friends.  Indeed I am blessed.

School starts in 20 days.  I miss the kids and their great ideas and lively energies.  Infectious they are and I can use that infection.

I have not accomplished all I had wanted this summer due to a few set backs.  What gets done gets done.  As for the stack of books and the journals ~ I have whittled those down a little bit.

Writing has also taken a back seat as I hosted visitors and held some hands of grief.  I think human connections are important as long as they are not harmful to all involved.

I will become a little more regular on my blog posts when back into the schedule of school and the early morning solitude with coffee and meditations.

How has your summer been?  Gardens grown?  Friends met and enjoyed?  Travels?  Share.

finding the first moment

once blissfully unaware

awakened

winding up that down staircase

which step was first 

which step shall be the last

if this moment comes from

that moment before

where did all the moments go

if here in this moment

it came from a moment before

then stuck on a circular stair

going nowhere

everywhere

perhaps that first moment

is simply the elusive thought

called hope

what if there is no first moment

can that be like no first energy

ever present

then the not so physical

is always there here

ah yes everywhere

well now

the magnanimous swirl

that is without time space

leaves aliens with no brains

simply minds of mindless moments

where compassion exists as if it were

the edges of the great love 

just waiting to be taken up by mere

thoughts blended in moments

with really no beginnings

no endings

it renders all aliens

desperate to conquer

what is not conquerable

when but a small piece

of the all

oh tsk tsk

might as well try to accentuate

the good qualities

try leaving behind the sufferings

arrive at those perfections

beyond the earth castles

beyond the moon reflections 

out into the grand 

ever beingness 

incomprehensible by closed minds

to the stars with your light

from whence you came light years ago

I think we shall never find that first moment

but certainly the expansion of light

was worth it.

byKateyB

solitary

(photo by KLB)

"We all, afterall, die alone.  No one dies with you at that last breath taken and the passing away from the flesh; we are alone until we emerge mixed in the universal love soup."    ~KateyB

There is a Buddhist saying: " Should a seeker not find a companion who is better or equal, let them resolutely pursue a solitary course."

I have found myself solitary more often than not in my life.  There were a very few times that scared me to be solitary.  Those were lessons to be learned now long gone certainly applied.  

I think of three separate times that my solitariness was imposed by other/s and in fact used to oppress and isolate me.  The length of each period is not what mattered but rather how I used the time to go within and do what needed to be done to rise out of and above such.  I have felt a certain pressing, even greater than at other times, recently, to write out those periods of forced solitude not so much to moan or export feelings but rather to leave a trail that just maybe might help a few who are having to experience similar trials.  Still I am not quite ready but when the ripeness is there I will follow through.  For now I shall realize how far I have come in my attitude of gratitude for having been in those spots and learned.

The embrace of being solitary has given me a bounty of individual time to examine more fully and contemplate what the human mind misses without the connection to the heart and then how wide open the universe becomes in my mere sight as the mind is connected to the heart.

One can talk about being alone as opposed to loneliness in conjunction with solitary existence in living on this journey of life but that does not even come close to an intimacy that the solitary course allows with the universe, we are all bits and pieces of such as we are called stardust.   

I admit more readily to being a poet rather than the painter I remain so private in doing.  Yet even admitting the poet role I blush with embarrassment at such a lofty title for such meager offerings I have thrown down.  My poetry at the least is the expression that comes from a heart that is less connected to flesh and more acknowledged as pieces of such a magnificent whole.  

solitary in solitude

Wrapped in the comfort of a cloudy day,

after the ferocious storm that lashed the earth pre dawn,

the old lady smiled gently at the thoughts of what lie beyond ~

the ever blue skies and then further out an illuminated face of a moon

followed by years and years of stars that resembled so many souls to yawn.

Solitary only in the limiting mind of the human being without the heart tethering

yet in solitary can the connections to everything be found that universal love surrounds.

There is such a beauty in the moments that might be neglected if tied to too many humans.

Rather count the precious souls that like stars are uncountable by human half-used minds

squandered by too much business forgetting to gratitude that unlocks

 the heart then connecting to the mind just briefly in forever time

that the soul might learn more from such a human experience;

this is the Way whichever roads chosen for the mountain top

that is the greatest peak of all some call

Universal Love.

by KateyB

an artist

“The Artist is no other than he who unlearns what he has learned, in order to know himself,”  E.E. Cummings

As with so many things in my life and ways of doing things in my life I seem to start with the perspective that I am not this or that, in fact I am less than this or that.  From that starting point I have to then painfully work my way up to being even equal to this or that.  Someone else might say: "why not start at equal to begin with? "  Well the bottom line is that starting from below and working up has made me strong but also has allowed me to learn empathy and compassion.

According to E.E. Cummings I am an artist.  According to me I am a wannabe that keeps trying but does not ever think she is above or superior and simply wants to be a little equal.

At Dawn

Silence was broken along with sleep by the magnificence of a summer thunderstorm.  Typically I would have been wide awake before the start but for the fact I am on summer vacation and stayed up quite late last night.  My eyelids flew open like a roller blind snapped too fast and let go.  Thunderstorms, lightning and crashing booms do not bother me in fact I love a good solid summer thunderstorm with down pours of which this was one of them.  At the same time my eyelids popped open I swung my feet from the bed to the floor and hit the ground scurrying to my enclosed back porch where every single tall window I had left wide open last night.  I got the last window closed just as the wind came up and the rain started pouring down and blowing 'round.

Summer in the midwest is special offering up the best for all senses.  The long rows of tall green corn waving in the breezes, the roadside wild flowers of purples, whites and yellows with a few oranges and pinks thrown in, the little billows of dust kicked up on a serene gravel country road and of course those magnificent thunderstorms that burst forth from unstable and often humid aire.  When I finally do move from here (and I will) these are a few of the things I shall miss; so for now I take pictures as I absorb the peacefulness of nature in the Midwest.

I remember long long ago summers spent on my Great Aunt and Great Uncle's farm.  Swinging on the tree swing in the afternoons and on the porch swing with my Great Uncle in the evenings watching the sun go down across the fields as the horses stood at the fence almost like they were waving at us.  The wrap around porch was a great setting for many imaginative plays and of course the railroad stories my Great Uncle told were the best.

I am humbled and grateful for so many experiences that have allowed me to appreciate the universe in all its glory.  We oft miss out on the grandness becuz we think what we do is far more important than drinking in the actual experiences and the nature that surrounds us.  Lately I have been reminded by nature itself that living is nothing without a humble appreciation for everything and all the lessons learned that then allow more experiences making this life a fully loaded experience.

Yes I will move and leave this beautiful scene called the midwest but realize that what comes up next will be made even grander for having the experiences here and now.  There is an appreciation that allows the perspective to be receptive toward anything that comes next becuz what has come now has been fully experienced with  humble gratefulness.

Have a great day on purpose Dear Friends.   Pass smiles for miles as will I.
LOVE no matter what!

living with the pain

I am having to follow the threads of a broken chord down to the quick where the rawness is the pain so that I can at the very least understand more of the total of my whole. Each thread carrying its own tale of woes and hurts but certainly the lessons as well.  So this write is but one thread of the chord that is broken and unraveling still.

When I divorced I resolved not to speak poorly of my ex (their Father) to my young children.  I never did.  It has cost me dearly in so many ways.  From the get go he certainly did not hesitate to share everything twisted with those young little children and he continues to this day although they are now grown adults with families of their own.  There is no sense in defending myself against all the erroneous info he feeds them.  There really is little that can be changed within their own attitudes.  Their attitudes they will have to choose to change.  Of course it is painful to watch as they struggle with such heavyly burdened attitudes.

I have had to make room for the pain and then try to live in spite of it.

It is with detached curiosity I examine all of the behaviors and destruction that an NPD with BPD can cause for so many people.  I say detached becuz I have finally come to the place that I do understand that it is nothing I can fix even if I totally erased myself fro this earth he would still be mentally sick and preying upon others including affected his own children and others of his own flesh and blood.  So the love I have is different today as it is no longer connected to anything in my life and simply is a forever love in my heart for my children and the father of my children.  All else I have detached so that I might move forward fulfilling y purpose in this life and doing the best that I can within this Journey at any given time.

Yes I follow this raveled chord down into the depths to that I might then gather strength to be better and to learn from all that is brought into my heart's sight.

Oh but the pain is excruciating and could easily turn me into stone if I gave into it totally and let it take over.  It is a good thing its darkness cannot ever extinguish the flame and light that is Love.  LOVE breaks up the darkness and then it is vanquished to hide under its own stone.  Every now and then when in this earthly world hurt is pressed upon from the outer creatures the darkness gets a little close but I will not shrink in fear rather invoke love to remind me just how far I have come in rising up above the nothingness of destruction and hate.  Maybe ~ but then again perhaps not ~ the story of my journey will help someone else.  Who knows!

This unraveled thread of the chord leads down the path of the most recent cowardly attack to a place where I can 'see' and understand how the cruelty developed with the person's mind as he struggles in a depressive state where he knows deep inside he alone is responsible for his own insecurities and missteps but is too frightened to face them and overcome them.  That then shows me where some of my pain lies for the empath that I am hurts for the hurt that he has but cannot handle.  Easier to blame out of anger and not sort it out.

Currently my grown children are back to refusing to talk with me and blaming me entirely for everything.  They are fearful and I understand that their father has caused yet again all kinds of doubts including self doubts.  They will have to come to the place of their own strength to rise up above it.  Tis painful to stand back and  watch unable to help them overcome.


I have been in a stuck place within myself where I refused to do the work to get out for a while.  It is harder then treading water for 8 hours and then trying to sleep while staying afloat in order to rest to tread water again.


IF either of them thinks that somehow they protect their children from the imaginary big bad wolf they are fooling themselves.  The child grows up and has to sort their own shiot out!  That is part of the circle of life that humans enjoy until there are no more humans and only spiritual vapors come together as the Universal Love.  As humans none of us are immune but every one of us has LOVE to give us light.


May we have a great day on purpose and pass smiles for miles.

LOVE no matter what.  LOVE really is the be all end all above all else.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Turning them into gold chords

From brokenness

the unraveling happens

yet golden chords

stronger than before

might be woven

if the hard work is done.

Says the gentle old lady:

"The hard work is worth

the golden chord

to wrap around loved ones' hearts

when I am gone.  Just as my Grandfather has done for me."

Passing Through

Nothing lasts 

Not time 

Not possessions

Not living creatures

Nor plants

But that is nothing to be sad about

or even to recoil from;

rather there are attitudes and things

that can be done.

The American Farmer turned poet 

wrote of the oppressor cuffing the oppressed

with words that left no room to think for one's self

simply a giving up or giving in

as was said the gist

the only way out is through.

There are many ways out of the currency of now

in the circumstances pressing 

and not one of the ways out

make a person chosen a path

to be wrong but rather

trading some circumstances 

for another set of circumstances.

What is non negotiable is 

passing through life

from birth to death

on this blue-green ball, earth.

Born to die some have said.

I can take that from the gloomy perspective

or feast upon the in between learning an appreciation

for EVERYTHING, yes everything!

Time is negotiable 

forced or allowed.

Possessions are given,

taken and forgotten.

Even living creatures are forgotten

or changed after death so not even

known as they were.  Living creatures

rarely are even known full on in life.

Plants examples of cooperation with the nature

of a larger universe of which they do understand

their part of the whole.

Only the human species thinks they can blame others
and circumstances for their life then refuse to
make the effort toward attitudinal changes and
actions that give living life the meaning that any process
gives to any ever-changing energy.   Given the most powerful
minds, of which humans do have, too often they do not use them.
Indeed every human lies from time to tie to avoid what could be
embraced then dealt with grace.

Animals understand that death is imminent so they grow up quickly
yet survive in any circumstances no human wills for themselves.  Yes puny
humans you think you are so far above yet there are lessons to be learned
so observe.

The moaning that comes from not getting what another has/had is being compared to
is wasted energy that if directed toward the best for self and the best for all others
would bring about a process that is certainly fulfilling ~ certainly allows for a flowing river
rather than an impeded rock that is chipped away by elements; water drips and water rushes
past, winds blow with rugged harshness or gentle breezes steadily wear, the aire carries bits
and pieces of materials that bombard or subtly land and the rock doing nothing
 but sitting still becomes something else perhaps against its will, who knows but the rock.
 Yet that very rock had a life span as well.

No one owes anyone else anything other than gratitude for lessons learned
when exposed.   The attitude of gratitude coupled with compassion unlocks the heart
where LOVE has always been and will even be when we are dead from human flesh.
For those who get that, and they are few but growing, they have discovered that the attitude
of gratitude is helpful in their passing through regardless of circumstances faced
at any given time, time the factor that is shorter than too many realize.

I am passing through and my spirit wants to learn from everything and everyone
it is exposed to and my responsibility is to do the best I can at any given times
while continuing to be focused on the energy of LOVE.  I do that best when I stay
in the attitude of gratitude.   It is gratefulness that I choose and then the process
of passing through at the least makes more sense as greater LOVE is shown from unlocked
hearts.

by KateyB

Good Bye

Just once every little while

I wish I could have been

in another time

another place

To be someone so different

That someone you wished I could be

I would be.

But it aint happening

Not now

I've been here too long

too imperfect

for the PERFECT 

you demand

perhaps indeed

you deserve.

So I say goodbye

Grieving

I turn around

and leave.

The End

~ New Chapter ~

FREE

Once Again

The pain of an old relationship's end

brought back to roost by a small flock

with bird diseases that clip their wings

The scapegoat

used to make the few

feel somehow better about themselves

turns out to be a bluebird

with a song that keeps

gurgling up from the chest.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not going to stop writing just becuz some people think everything I write is about them or that they can use my words and twist them to then harm me and my relationships with others.

I am a good person.

Many years ago I made a poor choice out of my co dependency

to marry an NPD with BPD.

I had children with that entity.

I have not been with that person for years and years

and my children are grown adults

yet in unpredictable cycles

the meanness comes back with a vengeance through

one or both grown children.

I am now starting yet another new blog. (This One)

I will not make links where those few 

can find and come back here to read

and then screw with me.

I have been poked and tormented

and survived.

I will not be a victim

nor do I need to then victimize

to some how feel good abut myself.

I feel good about myself becuz

 I have worked hard to be a better human being each passing day in this process of living.  

I do not deliberately and maliciously harm others

physically or even at their core hearts.

If it is brought to my attention that I did hurt someone's heart

I do sincerely and genuinely apologize and try harder to improve and not make the same mistake.

I own what I have done ~

the good, the bad, the ugly and the beauty

and even the in between shades.

I do not expect anyone else to fix me.

I do not have to own anyone else's mistakes nor do I have to fix it for them

no matter how much they try to make me

somehow responsible for everything they do

that is not so good,

I am NOT responsible for them!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Now I am going to write from my heart again...

freely.  It is what I do so well and it is

the voice of my spirit that gets to be heard.

If you are reading this rest assured

I am writing again

and I will not be stopped.