Oh Human

(Written after a student impulsively committed suicide, in the midst of mourning what it means to be human and not have all the answers.  Grief is not all burden.  It also leads one into a deeper connection with this Universe in a human way.)

Oh Human how quickly you forget what it is to be the human when plodding along in a life that takes your attention away from the finer details that make it simple ~ you are finite within this life as a human.  That's ok.  Find your way.

Oh Human how dismissive you are in your day to day of others needs and wants as you scramble to satisfy your own needs and wants forgetting you too are a part of this human thing that has a beginning and ending.  That's ok.  Find your way.

Oh Human here you are directing your own choices without a concern for how many of those choices affect your life on down the road of this short time you have to live as you want immediate satisfaction and oft refuse to forgive.  That's ok.  Find your way.

Oh Human in such emotional pain that the heart feels physically reduced to cracks and fissures with no ability to mend them and a desire to simply but quickly end such desperate pain might you sit with those emotions letting them wash over you to pass. That's ok.  Find your way.

Oh Human, my human, that needs attentive care  but does not know how to ask and forgets to notice not only one's own but others who cross the path.  That's ok.  That's ok.  Slowly, intentionally ~ find your way.  

                                                                  ~ KateyB

Mortality

Another person I have known most of my human life passed away. It reminds me that I am here "right now" writing this as if talking out loud but, can easily be gone in the next breath. That makes this moment even more important in my heart and mind. "Right now" is the most important moment in my life. "Right Now" is the most important moment in your life. Why not sit in the "right now" not stressing over the past or worrying about a tomorrow that could never come but, rather,  appreciating this moment.

My mind turns to the thought that it is time given now to others that matters most. Time and undivided attention in the 'right now'. There are many reasons that I have often said: "The most precious gift you can give someone is the gift of your time and attention." Human beings need one another's genuine and undivided attention. It is a form of appreciation.  Who among us does not wish for and want to be appreciated for who we are ~ "right now" in the moment?!

I am reminded that the cruelest action toward another human especially by a loved one is ostracism. The unspoken desire to extinguish the loved one is simply a misguided thought to somehow extinguish one's self and the pain one refuses to deal with through forgiveness and yes ~ LOVE.

Human Life is ever so brief. We are mortals in the human body and the only immortality shall be the energy of our spirit whether that spirit was fed with LOVE and compassion and kindness or angry hateful pain the energy released shall be gone from the mortal life of the pompous human being who returns to dust.

I am reminded by the spirit deep within me: "Love yourself and spread that Love to Love People right now ~ right in your human tracks."

casting out thoughts

actually I never expected to be fully understood but I had hopes that someone, anyone, might understand even some small pieces


when I say I do not fit in, I am not seeking a validation from you that I somehow DO fit in ~ it is, for me, simply a statement of how I feel in general throughout this human life


the tears sit there at the back of my eyes having arisen from my throat swollen with the ache of the feelings of humanity


in admonition to myself: lest you forget the true purpose of your current placement on the blue-green planet, healing is the word of reminder but more so compassion and love are the tools, stop being so removed from the work of the universe


sometimes people come in rapid succession into the focus of my heart to remind me that this is a wispy human experience that lasts so briefly that sleeping too long or sitting to often might be wasting the gift of this time humans have to live to learn to heal


I frighten myself sometimes with the sudden consciousness of the pieces of the universe that bubble up from within


my heart bleeds white for you


the lack of attachment to outcome leaves me with the freedom to do the work of the living that has a universal purpose and the healing of not only the self but more so the healing of the suffering of those searching to realize their own gifts given before birth


no I am not special just oddly 'wakened to what is above the pretending that many call reality and I certainly do not remember choosing this for myself as if I had a choice to be this small little piece of such a huge overwhelming vastness ill defined by meager human minds


the creative energy that wells up and out of me sometimes requires expression or I begin to feel physically nauseous and anxious, painting is but one answer to that expression as is writing



no I am not like you so no I am not liked by every other human being ~ some say it is a curse, I say it is what must be and that is that:  it means I do not expect to be liked by everyone and still I am able to love even those who hate.  Not really so strange for star dust.


In one of my dreams last night I was listening to a person talk when they mentioned my age: 153 and I now gasp as to what does that mean.  Shhhh breathe even breaths.  You only have to live right now not all 153 years at once.


~ oh I have to go ~ I need to talk with a friend.......

IN the Path of Totality

First I want to state something:  For those who see nothing special about a total eclipse and say "ho hum", please do not poop on my parade.  I found it breath taking.  To me it was a big deal.  Go somewhere else to ho hum and leave my little high alone.  Thank you. I respect your choice to brush it aside and I appreciate your respecting my choice to have this emotional, romantic experience that the universe has gifted.  

From the venue (Serenity Valley Winery outisde of Fulton, MO. ) to the friendly people to the nature and beauty of the universe, I am humbled to have been able to be on the path of totality and experience the total solar eclipse with a rather intimate group (compared to what were evidently crowds elsewhere) of human beings that also gasped in awe at the universe's show of power.  Pretty darned cool!!  

I chose to arrive a couple of days early in order to be relaxed and to get familiar with the surroundings of the 60 acre winery.  It was my last summer trip for this year.  I am glad I chose the easy slower pace of the extra couple of  days.  

There are a lot of things I have done and experienced in my lifetime and this experience is right up there with the births of my beautiful loved children.  

When Bailey's beads appeared I sucked in my breath and almost forgot to breathe out until I let out a stunned 'wow'.  The diamond ring prior to that was distinct which signaled the soon to come totality.

Immediately upon hitting totality the glasses came off.  Two minutes and 36 seconds might at certain times seem so very long (like during hard labor, lol) but in this case it just seemed like it was not long enough.  I sat with head back looking up, hands open but for thumbs to pointy fingers on the arms of my chairs and I simply inhaled and exhaled slow while letting go of this ridiculous human world and soaring on the cosmic winds.  

Before the eclipse even started and right after I had set my stuff up I was quietly chatting with a man who had set up a telescope and camera when suddenly a gorgeous bald eagle floated by on a breeze.  I stopped mi sentnece and he looked up as well.  It just seemed like it was all perfectly orhcestrated to set the scene and the pace.  

I now sit back in my hotel room, having finished a spicey chicken ceasar salad, sipping a last glass of wine trying to decide if I should shower to wash off the eclipse dust and human sweat before napping.  HAH HAH!  Driving back here I listend to the album by the Moody Blues: Days of Future Passed.  To me perfect ending music to an amazing adventure.

There was something quite spiritual for me in this experience as there has been with only a very few other past experiences of which at the top are the births of my children.  I am humbled, blessed and reminded that LOVE is just ever so amazing all by itself.  

(The next several days I am going to be dowloading my photos from the SD card and carefully culling then saving the choices and  captioning them.) 

We Weren't Perfect...

...but we had and have, LOVE.

You don't get to choose your parents nor how they parented you.  You do get to choose whether you will be a parent or not and if you choose parenting you get to choose how to parent with all its imperfections and trials and errors.   We weren't perfect nor will you be.  We were a family with LOVE.

Holding your own parents to perfection leaves you sabotaged for how you parent and even for your life.  There is no perfection from any human.  None.  Best to grab hold of yourself and learn how to accept what is not changeable (the past) and BE what is right now.  

We damage important relationships by expecting perfection from others.  As the years go by it becomes harder and harder to let go of all those harbored disappointments in perfections and expectations that did not happen.  It only ends up setting one's self back and leaves one's self angry.

The anger signifies the hurt for not being perfect.  It signifies a wish to be perfect.  BUT it certainly does not allow living right here and now and trying harder to do what is right.

There are reasons why people are admonished not to judge others.   I go one step further (in a reminder to myself): "do not harshly judge one's self."  Rather meet the challenge head on to learn and improve.  Honor those who have been in your life regardless of their imperfections for without their input you would not be this far along on your very own journey of living. Tis the experiences of human lives. 

Making choices under stresses and difficult circumstances is not a perfect science.  In fact it is more likely to be flawed than not.  Rather than ignoring or denying the flaws, embracing them allows a person to move forward whole and to have relationships intact and build upon the whole.  That is living on the edge of a greatness (learning all about LOVE).  That is living a Life alive.  

In any family there are problems at any given time.  Perfection is saved for the ignorance of those who never truly live alive.  We weren't Perfect.   We aren't perfect now.

What we are is an imperfect human having a human experience which is to say we are living life.  No human escapes this.   BUT each human has the ability to make choices, learn when 'falling down' and embrace the self just as he/she is at the moment and try harder.  Along with accepting self with all the flaws and beauties we learn to love and we love beyond our own boundaries in spite of behaviors.  Behaviors can change with work.  LOVE is the unifier that allows relationships to build and to mend and to Be right now without judging pasts nor wishing futures.  

We weren't perfect.  We aren't perfect now.  We are LOVE and that LOVE builds bridges and allows us to learn and grow.  

We are humans having human experiences with the ability to embrace the LOVE in our hearts and let that LOVE heal us and all others in our life.  

What amazing things can happen when we embrace ourselves, accept our flaws and try harder to do the right thing with each passing day!  We do not have to be perfect ~ we only have to keep trying while loving no matter what.  

Capturing a few Moments

(I just wanted to write this this morning so I could read it later when time had passed and I might need reminding again of just how blessed I really am no matter what. Sometimes the silly importance I place on myself and my day cloud the humble place of humanity that I am a part of that deserves more mindfulness like a forgotten breathing that keeps any human alive.)


Yesterday I took my 87 year old Mother out of the nursing home for a drive and an ice cream cone.  I had picked up my 97 year old Uncle and took him along.  What a great time the 3 of us had as we licked the cold ice cream and drove around remembering times gone by in the places we saw now.  Things change and so do we but our hearts just keep growing.  Our hearts have more room than a 12 bedroom mansion and land enoug to expand on and on.

It was convenient for me.  I had the time.  I did not have to work (summer break) and the weather was perfect temperature wise as well as with sunshine.  I had all my stuff done up at home.  I had finished my last painting.  The book I had been reading needed a break from my strained eyes.  So yup ~ convenient for me.  Nothing on my list of 'to dos' needed to be done right then and there and could wait.  It is afterall a matter of choices.

(  Of course I have to ask myself now ~ is it not all a matter of what I CHOOSE priority wise?   Convenience is not always going to come together and yet the lives I spend time with are not infinite and will end.  IF I truly believe what I say ~ that life is about connecting, communicating and caring then convenience be dayumed ~ choices made must include connecting and caring and communicating in spite of any personal convenience.  I am NOT that separately important that others come last rather than even second.  )

My Mother, although by her own choices, has not driven in years and for that matter has not cooked in years.  She depends upon others to do those things for her and basically has since at least 2008.   Now that does not negate the fact that she has dementia which has progressed rapidly since her two broken hips and made it impossible for her to live alone and drive herself around.  It does not mean that she does not enjoy getting out either.  It simply means it takes a little more effort to get her out and about from time to time.

In fact when I put myself in her shoes I am sad for how reduced her living is for her.  Imagine not having more than a 300 sq foot space at most to live.  Imagine having people always looking in on you with no concern for you having any real privacy or solitude. That is not to say they do not care because indeed they do and she does get wonderful care from all the staff there.  Imagine not being able to go outside the building unless someone takes you out.  I think of all the things that would be taken away from me to no longer be able to do and it leaves me wishing I could do more for and with my Mother.  I am truly grateful for the Nursing Home Caregivers for without their genuine care and love my Mother would surely be much worse off.  I know I am not able to care for my Mother 24 hours per day, seven days a week, 365 days per year ~ year after year after year.    So I am grateful that my Mother gets such loving care from so many Caregivers.

When I do do things for and with my Mother she is tremendously appreciative which is amazing to me in this day and age when I look around and see so much lack of appreciation let alone so much lack of care and compassion and empathy for one another even in the small little gestures within everyday life.  I forget far too often to be grateful and to simply reach out in kindnes to others if only with a smile or a few kind words.  sighs

In my current circumstances I could focus on all the hard, painful things or I can focus on just how blessed I am to be able to learn more compassion and empathy from what is happening around me and to others.  Life is about learning to love even in the hardships and in fact even more so during any perceived hardships.  I am still learning.  Thank Gawd.

In my family I have always been considered the black sheep.  I did not fall into lock step of all that was expected of me doing everything someone else's way.  When I made poor choices those were thrown back in my face not once but over and over like an accumulation of old crayons kept and counted for all these years. Broken and worn and worthless yet pulled out and counted to remind the craayons how useless they were along side of all the pretty, perfect crayons.

  The good things I had done got lost and were not acknowledged nor are any of those acknowledged today.  Instead today there is all kinds of suspect and betrayals and negative things said about me much of which is not even true or is twisted to fit other's agendas of hate and anger minus love.  BUT I will be dayumed if that all paralyzes me and stops me from being who I know I am and that is a loving person who cares and empathizes and wants to do what I can for others albeit those things may not be much at all.  I will be dayumed if I am left believing that somehow I can not do anything right no matter how hard I try.  I am capable of leaarning and trying even harder and I do.  I know how to reinvent myself and I have many times successfully in the past so I know I can yet again.  I am a good person.  I am a loving person.  I can go on.


My Mother has done what she could in her own way for many others ....... she needs to be heard now and things done with and for her in these last years of her life.  The 'bad' things are unimportant in the grand scheme of human life and all the good that she did and does do even now.  She still caares about others and I see it when I walk with her from her room to the dining area and she stops to hold a perso's hand who is nonverbal but still needs human touch.  I love my Mother for who she is.  I am blessed to still be learning lessons from her about kindness and love.  She is a human being having a human experience and we call that Life and living Life.  We all get to do that and so does she.

Now my thoughts turn to my Uncle.  He still lives in his own house.  He has had two good women in his adult life to love and they both are now gone.  He has lost many friends to death and yet has made many more friends.  He is a store of memories and when the conversation flows he draws on memories and shares.  Interesting and for me educational.  I am blessed to be able to hear whatever he is willing to share.
He walks very gingerly now and most often needs a walker or at the least a cane.  BUT he walks several blocks every morning which brings him right past my house.  He walks with his walker and although quite slowly he does walk.  He has health issues of course but he does not dwell on those.  He has cancer that he has lived with for over 15 years.  When I think about him and put myself in his shoes I realize he is a very strong yet very kind man who complains little.  I think to myself IF he can walk each day ~ so can I.  If he can be cheerful and caring of others in spite of many of his own hardships so can I.  He inspires me to get the hell up in the morning and keep going ~ not grudgingly and with drudge but cheerfully and with a lightness in my crippled steps.

I actually have very little material things.  When my Mother dies I will be homeless again and my few belongings will be on the street.  BUT I will be rich in lessons learned and love in my heart.  I truly do believe LOVE Always Wins!   With Love forever in my heart and as my guide I know I can pick myself up yet again, reinvent myself yet again and go on to the next chapter of this human life.  For now ~ I will be grateful for the time and energy I do have to learn from my Uncle and my Mother.  I am grateful for this Life right now.


(I note a couple of weeks ago I was kind of wallowing in feeling sorry for myself and wishing my Grandpa were here to give me sound strong advice.  He heard me and he gave it through my Mother and my Uncle and I only had to open my ears and eyes to my heart to hear and learn. I miss my Grandpa but I know in those still alive he lives and so do they. )

sailing the seas of life (self examination)

In all of my life (when looking backwards at what has been) ~

what first comes back to me

is how much I failed

how bad I was there or there

how I lacked this or that in kindness

how I chose angry hurtful actions

over the understanding of self and others.

Some say you have to forgive yourself. 

 It just seems easier to forgive others and not forgive me.   I expected that I should have known yet somehow I did not.

I do not expect I know others well enough

that I can judge them in finality as 

wrong forever.

Any human being can 

improve and do better

if believed in!

Every bad choice I made was made (ignorantly perhaps at the time) out of concern for my self image that was ever so lacking only becuz I had not worked on my self in the area now poorly chosen.  It seems those bad choices then required I do further self examination.

 What does one do when they have examined and adjusted the sails of the ship but a little further on the voyage another ship comes by and yells with their bold beautiful white sails ~ "hey crappy, little dingy with the dirty sails you are going the wrong way!  May my wake punish you for a long time."  

(I have learned punishment does not exact correction but rather promotes angry hurt between both. Punishment does not solve or resolve. It does not build relationships and connections.)

 The initial reaction is to want to give up trying to be better.  BUT that only hurts this little dingy with the dirty sails.  So ~ this ship must go on.  This ship must remember that at the heart remains that LOVE that knows right from wrong and will guide in trimming sails and adjusting sails to sail on.  

I must keep trying for that is the process of living with the Heart of Love as the guide.