Sunday, March 26, 2017

sailing the seas of life (self examination)

In all of my life (when looking backwards at what has been) ~
what first comes back to me
is how much I failed
how bad I was there or there
how I lacked this or that in kindness
how I chose angry hurtful actions
over the understanding of self and others.

Some say you have to forgive yourself. 
 It just seems easier to forgive others and not forgive me.   I expected that I should have known yet somehow I did not.

I do not expect I know others well enough
that I can judge them in finality as 
wrong forever.
Any human being can 
improve and do better
if believed in!

Every bad choice I made was made (ignorantly perhaps at the time) out of concern for my self image that was ever so lacking only becuz I had not worked on my self in the area now poorly chosen.  It seems those bad choices then required I do further self examination.

 What does one do when they have examined and adjusted the sails of the ship but a little further on the voyage another ship comes by and yells with their bold beautiful white sails ~ "hey crappy, little dingy with the dirty sails you are going the wrong way!  May my wake punish you for a long time."  

(I have learned punishment does not exact correction but rather promotes angry hurt between both. Punishment does not solve or resolve. It does not build relationships and connections.)

 The initial reaction is to want to give up trying to be better.  BUT that only hurts this little dingy with the dirty sails.  So ~ this ship must go on.  This ship must remember that at the heart remains that LOVE that knows right from wrong and will guide in trimming sails and adjusting sails to sail on.  

I must keep trying for that is the process of living with the Heart of Love as the guide.

Friday, March 24, 2017

Time does not belong in a bottle

What is Life? How does one live that Life?

Simple enuff questions yet very hard to answer.

How many times have you been too busy ~ so busy you missed

out on the actual living. Living is only as much as you notice around

you and with those you Love.

I have always been amazed at how at the death of someone people

finally have 'time' to give. They had no 'time' when the person was alive

so how do they think that sharing Life now when the person is dead

is any gift of themselves. Perhaps giving after the Life becomes then

a penetance gift which of course robs even the giver of the spirit of

genuineness ~ of Love.

It is too late then.

Take time and give time today for tomorrow is but a whisper in the wind

and yesterday a fart now blown away.

The gift you give of your time or the gift you receive of another's time

are the gifts of living. And that my Friends is Life.


Expounding on It

My Grandpa was a man of small gifts that gave even long after he was gone.

His 'time' was never so busy that he could not sit down and share even for

a few moments with a child who often was left out. He understood that

even the homeliest, most mistake ridden child needed to feel Loved.

He understood that giving that gift of feeling Loved meant simply taking

'time' and giving 'time'.

After my Grandpa was long gone his words stayed with me ~

time is the most valuable gift one can give to another and is

truly the essence of living Life.

How 'time' is used may make all the difference

in not only my own process of living but surely the process of others.

When I have wrapped myself in my own living ~ given little to no time

becuz I was too busy ~ the quality of Life was cheated far beyond

any accomplishment. The honor of a grant bestowed may be unknown

until the funeral service at which a few will only then discover. Time

at that point long gone does little to benefit the Soul. So it truly is in

the process of living Life that 'time' is a gift given and received.

The value of living Life is giving and receiving time which then fills the process

of living with Love. (or does it)

Friday, February 10, 2017

Working it out ...

I am not working today.  I am supposed to be semi-retired and I need today to care for myself.   I start the day with some huge heartache that has been crippling me in several ways for over a year now.  So I write a letter that I shall never send as that is one exercise that hopefully at the least will allow me to move on today to do some other things I need and even want to do for myself today.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~

A silent letter that will never be sent but I needed to write for myself to solidify my purpose yet again ~
" to be a loving person within this journey of learning about love."

Dearest ~

I LOVE YOU no matter what.

I do not need you to validate my feelings.   I already acknowledge them, examine them and then let them go keeping the lessons that they might have shown me.  In fact it has been a very very long hard road riddled with many mistakes. Yes indeedy even poor choices that then left me having to learn from those poor choices, overcome and apply the lessons to the rest of my life while keeping my eye on my purpose in this life!    I do not expect anyone else to do the work for me ~ in fact I know they cannot and me blaming any other would only leave me unable to learn and grow and to remain stuck.  Heck I even know about remaining stuck for several years at a time becuz ya see ~ I too do not get it right every dang time.   I have oft caused my own suffering by poor choices or holding onto hurts like they were some kind of badge of honor.  In the end I alone had to work through each of those and learn and find my way on over to the other side to move on.

When I have apologized for something I have done I make that apology from my heart and wholeheartedly.  I mean it.   I try harder to correct my behavior and not repeat the same thing over and over.    IF you refuse to accept that apology that is your choice.  Rest assured I have the choice to NOT keep giving the apology for the exact same thing everytime you decided to change your mind and reject the original apology.  You claim to accept the apology then we supposedly move on until you do not get your way and then you choose to revisit the old sin and demand an apology all over again for that old sin ~ that is unfair and tells me you have some personal problems to overcome.  Knowing that I can continue to love you but I do not have to put myself in line to repeatedly and cyclically experience your repeated temper tantrums.
To continually bring up the past each time things are not going well for you and throw it right back in my face trying to drag me down into your own mired muck is simply not going to work anymore.   I am sad that you cannot overcome your own 'stuff' and grow and move on. I would have been happy to actually WORK WITH YOU had you wanted that.   You did not and have not.

  BUT I am not in charge of fixing you.   Your wanting to make me somehow responsible for your current moods, problems et al only makes it very certain that you will not resolve those current problems or will repeat them yet again on down the road.   We all have to unravel and overcome what our problems are/how they came about, take responsibility for ourselves and work harder at making our lives better in the moment via learning and changing ourselves.  It is a lot of work.     I know because I have been doing that for 60 years.

Does it hurt that when you have decided your problems are all my fault you reject me and refuse to connect with me and now affect others involvement with me as well?   Of course it does.   It is heart wrenching.  It is a sense of helplessness that no matter how I myself have changed and shown a consistency in my own personal growth and tried to work with you I am told that nothing I do is good enough by you.  You leave us no way to work together to work through our mutual difficulties.  You simply dismiss and cut me off and then two, three even 5 years after nothing from you you come back and expect me to fully embrace you as if you are entitled and with no apology from you.  Forgive ~ yup I do.   LOVE always.  BUT I shall not forget and leave myself in the path of destruction and triggers from you.

I do not need an apology from you  ~ but I also will not leave myself open to be repeatedly hurt in the same way again and again from you either.  I can forgive the hurt you have inflicted.  I do not feel the need to be vindictive and 'get back at you'.   I love you through everything and it is that LOVE that sustains through it all.   No matter what!  If I cling to anything it is LOVE itself!  LOVE that is universal and is within as much as without.

I do not even need you to love me.  I have love no matter what.   I give love no matter what.  I remain human meaning I am having a human experience just as you are .......... I am capable becuz of the compassion and empathy I have, to walk a mile in your shoes enough to recognize that you too are having a human experience and at times you are struggling with your very own problems just as I struggle with my very own problems.  I empathize becuz I can relate that it is not easy and in fact is the hardest thing we do as humans ~ TO FACE OURSELVES and LOVE OURSELVES even in our flaws.  I do not expect you to fix my problems and I can not fix your problems.   All I can do is love you no matter what and wait patiently in love.

Loving does not make me weak or a target for more deliberate emotional hurt and pain inflicted  from you or any other of my loved ones.  In fact the more I learn about Love the more I know that love alone makes me stronger and stronger and with and through love I can continue to live my life trying to do the best with what I have at any given time with an eye to improving when I experience setbacks or mistakes or flaws.   That is living life with LOVE!

I sit in the distance with a part of my heart so terribly broken that sometimes especially at night when it is quiet and my heart is weeping ~ my mind tries to get me to give up.   BUT for LOVE residing in my heart and remaining as my guide I would give in to that childish ego and give up.  I will not.   I cry til my pillow is soaked ~ then sleep ~ then get up with a chosen smile on my face and an attitude of gratitude that I can do the best in this new day as I connect with others and with life yet again.

I love you.  I always will and I love you no matter what.  LOVE is above everything and everyone.  It really is THAT BIG a DEAL!!  It really is the solution. The process to seeing and feeling and embracing LOVE is ours to work out and work through and live!  I am working my process the best I can as well as trying to have compassion and empathy for my self and ALL others including you.

ALL I can do is the best I can at any given time with what I have.


Indeed ~

Friday, February 3, 2017


For what is a poem but a hazardous attempt at self-understanding: it is the deepest part of autobiography. 

- Robert Penn Warren 

In between the obliteration of the day
and the mists of the dawn she finds herself quieted
enough to examine within for not only what went wrong
but what can be with reconnecting the heart to the mind outlier.

She wanders around the solitudinal walls until the whisper of the soul
grabs hold of her ego bending it to the humbleness of the greater energy of the heart.

Not so much where once she walked but more where now she sits 
then how to reach out with a renewed determination 
to be better at understanding first the meager flawed self 
embracing it regardless and encouraging it forward,
then kindness and a humble compassion for all others encountered
ready for more lessons to be learned in the connecting that does not end.

Detach from the main 
to become what can be gained
when love is the energy
that drives this heart home.  

She was always nothing
which could have been something
had she recognized the nothing
holding it in love.  

Something is only nothing when
nothing is refused its due.
Nothing becomes the smallest
humble something
when nothing is held in love.

~ flow ~

She wandered in
to then sit for an hour
took deep breathes
stood up
wandered out.  

She was only better upon realizing
that it was in others she could see herself.

~ gasp ~

Sunday, January 1, 2017


"I have to climb through and over many obstacles
for those breath taking moments
of flying above the clouds." ~ KateyB

In the beginning of a new year

I like what Steinbeck wrote back on January 1, 1941 (and it even seems more fitting after having visited the places he lived and still haunts):

"Speaking of the happy new year, I wonder if any year ever had less chance of being happy. It’s as though the whole race were indulging in a kind of species introversion — as though we looked inward on our neuroses. And the thing we see isn’t very pretty… So we go into this happy new year, knowing that our species has learned nothing, can, as a race, learn nothing — that the experience of ten thousand years has made no impression on the instincts of the million years that preceded.

Not that I have lost any hope. All the goodness and the heroisms will rise up again, then be cut down again and rise up. It isn’t that the evil thing wins — it never will — but that it doesn’t die. I don’t know why we should expect it to. It seems fairly obvious that two sides of a mirror are required before one has a mirror, that two forces are necessary in man before he is man. I asked [the influential microbiologist] Paul de Kruif once if he would like to cure all disease and he said yes. Then I suggested that the man he loved and wanted to cure was a product of all his filth and disease and meanness, his hunger and cruelty. Cure those and you would have not man but an entirely new species you wouldn’t recognize and probably wouldn’t like." ~ Steinbeck

So I am left to make choices yet again as this new year begins just as every human must do.  I can choose to flavor my perspective with an attitude of gratitude. compassion and ultimately love yet I can also make choices within that framework to live as best I can with what I have in the midst of circumstances I really have no control over anyway.  The control is in my attitude and perspective and the choices I make in that framework.

I look around me and see much depressive anger and angst being expressed towards one another in an environment that currently is not encouraging building relationships via working things out but rather simply building walls around each lonely self.  If the outward environment were allowed to dictate my inner environment I would surely implode where many explode.   It is the nature of my process to implode rather than explode.

BUT long ago (now) ~ the years have passed so quickly I near missed how many are gone ~ I discovered and learned well that no set of circumstances and environments can touch my inner life where the core is love in spite of all the criticisms and hecklings and put downs thrown at that core by the environment including betrayers who wish not success but project the anger of their own mess.

I am not supposed to have gentle breezes to sail easily across the ocean of time.  I am supposed to hone my skills in navigating while maintaining the ship's heart.  Learn and apply and learn some more and while doing that do the best I can with what I have.  Overcome my shortcomings one by one and keep trying to care about others along the way as well.

As 2016 ended with so much turmoil around the globe and huge turmoil within the country I live I observed increasing anger and fears that left so many at odds with one another in a time when what was needed most was a building of stronger and even more caring relationships.  BUT I too have not given up HOPE ~ for when hope is totally lost and gone so shall I be gone in this human form.  Interestingly enough hopelessness also dies with its death ~ and life in the universe goes on in many forms.  Cyclical indeed.

I firmly believe that each human being is personally responsible of peace and increased love and I can only make it start/continue with me and my attitude ~ I choose gratitude.

Someone wrote:  What will the theme of your life be in 2017?
I think that is a good question to ask and answer rather than what resolutions will I make.

My theme will be gratitude for all lessons and love to help continue to build relationships.  In my world anger and angst in the environment is simply begging for me to gain more compassion and learn more ways to love.  My heart is alive in Love.

Friday, December 23, 2016

If I should die before I wake ...

~ everything is exactly as it is supposed to be ~

The moment I realized that the entire process called life which was inextricably tied to death with birth not being a beginning but rather a marker of so little in the greatness of much greater was the next level of freedom my soul dreamed of on its way to unified unconditional love.    Now why be bothered by so much fragile snags that are washed down river or cast up onto disappearing banks never to be seen again other than in the dregs of egos clinging to disrespectful delusions erroneously called hope. 

Live out on the edge of the process while floating above the under current of frothy foam.  Yet live with childlike wonder expecting the unexpected brilliance of abundance of love.  

            I am grateful for it all.                  Breathe stars.    Exhale ancient cosmic dust.  Creation is but energy changing born in the gentle shelter of love's recessed pool.

                                      We start not all over again but rather after each rest moving not forward or back but upward to the next star.   Love like the love that loves without restraints, without comparisons, with only increased love.        

Gratitude unlocks the heart releasing more mysteries to the connection of the universe that is Universal Love.    

Sunday, December 18, 2016


for in that moment
as the body fell away
the spirit rose up
joining in the universal love
as like rain on a warm summer day
the rays of love fell down
upon heads, flowers, ground
washed anew to begin again
leaving behind the grime
of past times
rising into holy mists
the wonders of hearts
where universal love
always and forever exists
within you
within me
connected beyond 
mere breathing
of flesh bound thoughts
torn back like flimsy curtains
to reveal the love
that has always been there
no matter what

mists now burned away
the brilliance of this
Universal Love
It was and is and will be forever
here to stay