PTSD ~ re traumatization (personal journey)

I have PTSD.   I have managed to have it under control for 10 years now until recently when I was re traumatized by several people.  I attempted to set strong personal boundaries and there was a lack of respect for those when I did by not one but 4 different people of which 3 were quite deliberate.  I have now spent the past 9 weeks regaining the ground lost by the re traumatization.

  I write here to help me measure not only my progress but remind me when things feel slippery again.  This is a place for me to keep the bits and pieces and that is what the following is is bits and pieces for me.

I struggle but I also think I am doing quite well under all the circumstances I have found myself in recently (over the past 11 months especially.)

I will survive and thrive!!  I am not going to be defeated and killed by this.

People who do not understand PTSD and yet are around someone who has it would be wise to arm themselves with facts and info so they can have a positive relationship with the person unless of course they do not really care about the relationship.

People who have recovered/learned to appropriately cope with the PTSD and symptoms are not so fragile that they can not sustain lasting and solid relationships.  They simply may be more assertive on their personal boundaries which may include finding ways to remove themselves to a distance to feel safe from time to time.  They know when they need to assert boundaries which include removal from volatile situations.  Forcing them to over ride those boundaries or over riding those boundaries for them deliberately is not only unfair but has the potential to re traumatize.  It is known as a toxic situation and a person with PTSD knows toxicity by others is something they need to remove themselves from quickly IF those people refuse to listen to the boundaries being set.




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Relationships, Trauma, and PTSD

Trauma survivors who have PTSD may have trouble with their close family relationships or friendships. Their symptoms can cause problems with trust, closeness, communication, and problem solving, which may affect the way the survivor acts with others. In turn, the way a loved one responds to him or her affects the trauma survivor. A circular pattern may develop that could harm relationships.





PTSD is diagnosed after a person experiences symptoms for at least one month following a traumatic event. However symptoms may not appear until several months or even years later. The disorder is characterized by three main types of symptoms:

Re-experiencing the trauma through intrusive distressing recollections of the event, flashbacks, and nightmares.
Emotional numbness and avoidance of places, people, and activities that are reminders of the trauma.
Increased arousal such as difficulty sleeping and concentrating, feeling jumpy, and being easily irritated and angered.




Once you have been traumatized, and then re-traumatized by triggering situations, you feel generally unsafe and there is a natural tendency to want to retreat…back up your steps and run for cover.

People with PTSD can be re-traumatized by people who do not understand, and by people who are more concerned with their own agenda than really understanding.

When someone with PTSD has certain triggers, and explains those triggers to someone, it is important that they are validated and respected. If someone wants to care about a loved one with PTSD, they need to really listen to that person, when they talk about what triggers them.

*A person that intentionally uses your triggers against you is dangerous to your mental well being.

But then there are people who just don’t want to listen to or respect your boundaries. Your perceptions are not of an significance to them.

Everyone has personal boundaries, but people with post traumatic stress disorder can suffer severe re-traumatization when a loved one does not honor their trigger boundaries.

The fight-or-flight mode is activated by the amygdala. If the brain perceives a threat, even if that threat is not real, the amygdala will send chemicals into the body like adrenaline and cortisol.

 The feeling in the body of a “perceived threat” and a real threat is exactly the same. The same physiological responses occur, including blood pressure elevation, and feeling of extreme fear and the feeling that you have to act right away.




Once you have asked someone not to do certain things which trigger you, it is a terrible feeling when they still continue to do them. It feels very violating, and only serves to break the trust bond.

Relationships need to be based in trust. Intimate relationships, as well as friendships and family relationships have to feel safe. If one person does not feel safe, then there is a lack of understanding and a lack of trust.

Without both parties feeling safe, the relationship will break down. People with PTSD can find it difficult to trust again, after others have invalidated them about their symptoms.

Sometimes someone will disbelieve you, minimize your trauma, or accuse you of trying to manipulate them with your explanations about your trauma and your triggers. This is very painful and re-traumatizing.

People who have PTSD or C-PTSD from abuse were invalidated as part of the abuse process. Their emotions were minimized, disregarded and made fun of.

To have someone close to you minimize your PTSD, or disbelieve you is re-traumatizing. It gives  the victim into an emotional flashbacks or actual sensory flashbacks.

You can only tolerate being traumatized and re-traumatized so many times.



People with PTSD need understanding and validation.

They need their loved ones to be sensitive to their triggers, and to pay attention to what the person asks and needs.

Otherwise. the relationships cannot continue in a way that is safe for the PTSD sufferer. The person with PTSD will shut down and crawl inside of themselves. No healthy relationship can be sustained without safety for both people.

perceptions are made of what?

Perceptions are built out of experiences.  It is why the older we get the more complex, vivid and too often hardened perceptions can get.  Then throw in that we humans (yes indeedy me included) are biased when told a story from one perspective after the fact, for that does indeed affect how we relate to others.

No two people have the exact same experiences even if they have been together in a particular experience.  The cliche, there are 3 sides at the least to any given event ~ his side and the other side and then the middle, unbiased side comes out of a basic understanding that perceptions and perspectives are naturally tainted by the teller's experiences all inclusive ouver his/her life span
It would seem on the surface that perceptions are what taint the world viewed by more than one making it difficult to get to 'the bottom' of anything.

If perceptions are different for every single human according to their own 'lenses of experiences' then it would surely seem that repeating stories told by one or the other to a third person is not the truth in full.  It is good info to know that we might apply such to take more time to fully understand the person that 'we are talking about' or 'who we are talking to or with'. ( I am reminded about my lessons on gossip and refraining from such.)  The source of so much miscommunication and disconnection that is the human suffering within a human life.

I find a take away, after much meditation, that my perceptions can become easily distorted if I do not keep in mind what goes into making perceptions.  I am reminded that if I struggle with my own perceptions then causing me misfired communications that has to be the case also for others.  Armed with that I am able to increase empathy and compassion some more and that for me is more personal growth which in turn I hope to use to build better relationships.  It also allows me to forgive myself and try harder to assess my perceptions as they mix into the NOW/the current unfolding.

I am trying to do better than 'yesterday' by applying lessons learned.  That is the best I can do with what I have NOW.


Have a great day on purpose.  Pass smiles for miles.

(see poem here: 'my eyes only'   )

Character and Integrity ~ over seen by LOVE

"Character before integrity yet both go hand in hand.
Develop your character and understand it then apply integrity to live."
~KateyB

Someone I love is in the grips of several narcissists/sociopaths (persons).  It hurts to watch from the outside knowing full well there is nothing I can do to break those sick bonds and 'save' the person.

I have been in that situation and I know NOW that it takes the strength from down deep inside, where forever the soul and heart are one, to escape and then not succumb again to another narcissist or the same ones over and over again.

Sadly now when the person I love tries to unknowingly draw me into the drama of those narcissists I have to lay down extremely strong boundaries that then I am accused of not loving the person.  That could not be further from the truth ~ MY TRUTH!

I will lift them all up from a distance ~ I will be vigilant to not allow myself to be drawn back down into that huge black hole to lose my self ~ my character and integrity ~ again.  It certainly would be counter productive and render me unable to be a good friend to others!



"In the morning, as dawn spread up through the curled edges of the earth, I found myself fully awake again connected to my heart and soul, aware that my core was intact,  that in this day I could do what I say and say what I do and keep the two aligned from the source of LOVE inside that flows from every corner of the universe.  I go to my heart where LOVE always resides and I listen so very carefully, for Love truly is my guide be it tough or gentle its qualities have certainly been tensiled by fire to survive ~ it always will, for you see ~ LOVE always wins!"   ~KateyB



Have a great day on purpose.  Pass smiles for miles.

12 days later....20 days left

I have definitively lost my patience for alcoholics, narcissists and politicians.  None of those entities seem to understand moderation let alone consideration and kindness for others or even a general respect for the health, safety and welfare of self and all others.

Summers are supposed to be for fun, beaching, vacaying, leisurely coffees that last til noon and evening wines that include thoughtful conversations that have some depth and breadth.  I may have missed summer.  If I was willing to totally blame myself I would first decry introversion has overcome me again, but that is not all true.

I am working very hard to maintain an underlying gold thread of joy that is not dependent on surrounding circumstances.  The buoys of hope thrown out to me keep floating too far ahead for me to grab but I remind myself that an attitude of gratitude keeps me minimally tolerant and treading above some sort of whiner status.  After all, I do have food, clothing and a roof over my head as well as some very kind, loyal and caring friends.  Indeed I am blessed.

School starts in 20 days.  I miss the kids and their great ideas and lively energies.  Infectious they are and I can use that infection.

I have not accomplished all I had wanted this summer due to a few set backs.  What gets done gets done.  As for the stack of books and the journals ~ I have whittled those down a little bit.

Writing has also taken a back seat as I hosted visitors and held some hands of grief.  I think human connections are important as long as they are not harmful to all involved.

I will become a little more regular on my blog posts when back into the schedule of school and the early morning solitude with coffee and meditations.

How has your summer been?  Gardens grown?  Friends met and enjoyed?  Travels?  Share.

finding the first moment

once blissfully unaware

awakened

winding up that down staircase

which step was first 

which step shall be the last

if this moment comes from

that moment before

where did all the moments go

if here in this moment

it came from a moment before

then stuck on a circular stair

going nowhere

everywhere

perhaps that first moment

is simply the elusive thought

called hope

what if there is no first moment

can that be like no first energy

ever present

then the not so physical

is always there here

ah yes everywhere

well now

the magnanimous swirl

that is without time space

leaves aliens with no brains

simply minds of mindless moments

where compassion exists as if it were

the edges of the great love 

just waiting to be taken up by mere

thoughts blended in moments

with really no beginnings

no endings

it renders all aliens

desperate to conquer

what is not conquerable

when but a small piece

of the all

oh tsk tsk

might as well try to accentuate

the good qualities

try leaving behind the sufferings

arrive at those perfections

beyond the earth castles

beyond the moon reflections 

out into the grand 

ever beingness 

incomprehensible by closed minds

to the stars with your light

from whence you came light years ago

I think we shall never find that first moment

but certainly the expansion of light

was worth it.

byKateyB

solitary

(photo by KLB)

"We all, afterall, die alone.  No one dies with you at that last breath taken and the passing away from the flesh; we are alone until we emerge mixed in the universal love soup."    ~KateyB

There is a Buddhist saying: " Should a seeker not find a companion who is better or equal, let them resolutely pursue a solitary course."

I have found myself solitary more often than not in my life.  There were a very few times that scared me to be solitary.  Those were lessons to be learned now long gone certainly applied.  

I think of three separate times that my solitariness was imposed by other/s and in fact used to oppress and isolate me.  The length of each period is not what mattered but rather how I used the time to go within and do what needed to be done to rise out of and above such.  I have felt a certain pressing, even greater than at other times, recently, to write out those periods of forced solitude not so much to moan or export feelings but rather to leave a trail that just maybe might help a few who are having to experience similar trials.  Still I am not quite ready but when the ripeness is there I will follow through.  For now I shall realize how far I have come in my attitude of gratitude for having been in those spots and learned.

The embrace of being solitary has given me a bounty of individual time to examine more fully and contemplate what the human mind misses without the connection to the heart and then how wide open the universe becomes in my mere sight as the mind is connected to the heart.

One can talk about being alone as opposed to loneliness in conjunction with solitary existence in living on this journey of life but that does not even come close to an intimacy that the solitary course allows with the universe, we are all bits and pieces of such as we are called stardust.   

I admit more readily to being a poet rather than the painter I remain so private in doing.  Yet even admitting the poet role I blush with embarrassment at such a lofty title for such meager offerings I have thrown down.  My poetry at the least is the expression that comes from a heart that is less connected to flesh and more acknowledged as pieces of such a magnificent whole.  

solitary in solitude

Wrapped in the comfort of a cloudy day,

after the ferocious storm that lashed the earth pre dawn,

the old lady smiled gently at the thoughts of what lie beyond ~

the ever blue skies and then further out an illuminated face of a moon

followed by years and years of stars that resembled so many souls to yawn.

Solitary only in the limiting mind of the human being without the heart tethering

yet in solitary can the connections to everything be found that universal love surrounds.

There is such a beauty in the moments that might be neglected if tied to too many humans.

Rather count the precious souls that like stars are uncountable by human half-used minds

squandered by too much business forgetting to gratitude that unlocks

 the heart then connecting to the mind just briefly in forever time

that the soul might learn more from such a human experience;

this is the Way whichever roads chosen for the mountain top

that is the greatest peak of all some call

Universal Love.

by KateyB

an artist

“The Artist is no other than he who unlearns what he has learned, in order to know himself,”  E.E. Cummings

As with so many things in my life and ways of doing things in my life I seem to start with the perspective that I am not this or that, in fact I am less than this or that.  From that starting point I have to then painfully work my way up to being even equal to this or that.  Someone else might say: "why not start at equal to begin with? "  Well the bottom line is that starting from below and working up has made me strong but also has allowed me to learn empathy and compassion.

According to E.E. Cummings I am an artist.  According to me I am a wannabe that keeps trying but does not ever think she is above or superior and simply wants to be a little equal.